Illumination

Parting clouds of darkness away,
you soak me in your silver shine
and radiate an eternal beauty
that comforts me, lightens the air,
brightens my very soul..

You glare at me with those unruly eyes,
and yet, that's a sense of calm
like I've never felt before..

We outshine all others tonight,
and this feels right.
You're the orb of my darkest night,
You're My Moon.

P.S. Photo credits: Arjun Menon. Check out his facebook page here

Grayscale

Love. The chase. The madness.
Essence of Life. Hyped concept.
The lust for more and more of Love.

Honesty. Frank open-mouthed-ness.
Clears the air. Guilt-free.
or Honesty which is abrasive, Raw.

Abuse. Inappropriate, unconventional.
The vices. Indulgence,
or Exploitation of another's space / property.

Want. Desire.
To let the urges take over the whole of you.
To not regret anything, Ever.

Religion. To worship and how.
Wash brains, cleanse souls, follow rituals.
To believe or make-believe.

Respect. Or the sheer absence of it.
Towards something that is available for free.
For someone's feelings.


Resilience. Intolerance. Frustration. Envy.
Calculation. Reasoning. Brainstorming all Pros and Cons.
Emotion. Heart. Flowing with the heart.

Pain.
Or Happiness in else's pain.



Nothing is wrong. And Nothing is right.
It's just a frame of one's mind.

The urgent call for MOTIVATION

So I’ve always been a smart-ass; or at-least I’ve always been told that I was one. The problem was reciprocating that “smartness” in mark sheets. And I now know what the actual issue with me is.

I am too lazy to write the answers down in the answer book!

We have a lot of 4-6 mark questions and which ever I choose to attempt, I start well into that [1-1 n ½ page essay type] and then get bored halfway. I am all in the mode, I can go with the flow, but no; I want to write my favorite answers first, Even if they belong to different sections!

So I leave that page, promise myself that “this shall be taken care of in the half hour” and move onto the next answer and do the same thing to that! Finally I am left with too many half answers [almost half the paper] for the bloody last half hour, getting into the frame of mind for the new question takes time, hello; AND I am already too bored to write! So what? Scribble some points and leave it that way, draw some rough diagrams, at-least I will get 2 on 4 attitude sets in and soooo many 2s on 4s n 6s leaves me with actually not too many marks…

I presume too many things;

*~*The teacher knows that I know.

*~*The diagram carries max weight-age. So draw color-full diagrams taking whole 10 minutes allotted for that question.

*~*4 points will get me 2 marks.

*~*Difference between, examples not necessary,

*~*Who ‘reads’ our answers?

*~*Why sit for the whole THREE hours?

*~*No-one must’ve studied enough.

*~*Whole knowledge is important, marks are just some numbers.

*~*Attempted 70 on 100 is okayish

Arrgghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After 3 years of slogging and punching myself after each exams, I have come to one consensus.

Graduation study is not about the knowledge. It is about remembering the mountainous portion, studying it and writing the whole shit down in that much time!

I don’t mess up the exams involving objective questions! My gut feel helps me there because *one of the given answers is the RIGHT answer*.

Subjective ones Kill me.

I don’t do enough justification to myself.

And the most important subjective sets of exams for the entire career in science are in 1 month’s time, April 2^nd week.

Dates got out a few days ago and they’ve hit me hard because I am done studying like the 15% of the portion, mark you, only my favorite chapters!

All these years it was okay. Doing 3 chapters among 10 was fine. But in the university level they set kinda tough question papers; so we need to be through with at-least the portion and out of portion questions can be left in option. But with me the case is poles apart. I read books and don’t pay attention to teacher’s notes, complete knowledge is important you see; so I usually have a rough idea about the out of portion stuff and go to write that and by which usually mess up major.

I know that I should study, but I some-how don’t.

When there are so many better things to do, who will? Amazing friends on the phone; gmail chat, iPod, camera, paints, cell phone games, facebook applications and the likes; Plus, I am bored, tired, bored, hungry, bored, sleepy; most of the day!

BUT

THIS IS NO EXCUSE.

Only I can save/prove myself.

So people, pump in the impetus, get me going towards the final exams. Study tips, wishes, black-mailing [even abusing], tried and tested formulae; Come up with anything that can help me in the long run. Make me realize of my wrong-doings now than sympathizing with my grief later.

P.S. Engineers! And as I see too many of them on my blog-roll; last minute study tips please; 4 weeks 42 chapters; not humanly impossible I know, but I should keep sitting on that study table of mine. Needless-to-say, I should get back right now!

Disappointment

I don’t usually deal with much document work. But today I had to collect my passport from the post-office. Postman uncle had come home twice and on both occasions left notes. No-one is home from 9-4, thus the non-availability. But, it was high time I went and collected my govt. authorized document that would enable me to fly overseas.

So, I left home at 9 and then began my hunt of the post-office. Weird how we college-goers ignore places of general importance. Anyway, I asked shopkeepers and random people on the road and everyone seemed pretty amused at the fact that a localite was lost :P Nevertheless, found it in one corner of the CIDCO office and walked in.

I spoke to the post-master, he called the man responsible for my area and then after some random formalities there it was the document for which I had waited for about a year, my belonging, my very own, passport! But something stood in middle of me and it,
Chai-paani.

My parents had warned me about this. And they had actually said that if there are any signals from the man; give up some-money; “because we don’t wanna lose out on important letters.”
“But why bribe? We are doing it all legally and have made all the payments!”
“They shouldn’t ask you because you are a student, but, you never know”
“What if I refuse to pay? He will still have to give my passport.”
“Don’t be stupid. Do as I say”
“But I don’t want to give money; that is his duty!”
“I know and I agree with what you are trying to say beta, but its our documents or other notifications that are on stake. Apart, it is hardly some money.”
“But is it about the amount?”
“Do you always have to argue?”
*grumpy face*
“See girl, this has happened to us before. Because we refused to give them diwali [reward money on a hindu festival] at our old house, they didn’t deliver something and because of that, some delay led to us paying a very heavy amount as fine. So, listen to me, give him this” said daddy slipping a note in my hands.

I stayed mum then. All those arguments came rushing back to me now. And as I stood across that table, I was reminded of my dad’s words. Postman's guilty eyes were penetrating me and my conscious just didn’t want to encourage something I have spoken so strongly against at various occasions.

There was a huge line behind me, of people wanting to talk to the post-master. Commotion was building up; everyone was looking at me and the postman. All I could think about was the gateway peace rally and how we had talked about being good citizens. It was cold and my palms were sweating.

I lost. I chose to be a good daughter.
Papa, are you happy now?

My City is burning

And that makes me cry.

Never before in my whole life
Have people endlessly messaged me to "stay put"
Has an exam being canceled coz its NOT SAFE TO TRAVEL
Has the first local not run
Has the BSE be shut in the mid of the week
Has firing occurred at CST in the mid of the night
Has Times Now not delivered live news
Has My City waited patiently for all of it to end for fourteen hours
Have 11 locations under the arms of Mumbra ma been directly affected
Has The Taj breathed smoke
Has Hemant Karkare, Ashok Kamte, Vijay Salaskar and 8 other Mumbai police personnel not fought back
Have we seen people carrying hell lotta ammunition and shooting indiscriminately
Has the posh-est part of my city felt fright
Have people being butchered like animals
Have some 20 odd lads
affected the life of a regular mumbaikar

I have failed to understand
failed to find words
failed to calm down.

Why has My City being taken so much for granted?

How much do we have to pay?

When can we finally be free?

Birthday wishes and Random updates

To Ridhiman,

Happy 20, Three cheers to you boy, [my best male friend!]

Technically, I know you what, since nine years? Same skool we used to attend :-D But trust me man, the last two years with you have been a total roller-coaster ride!
You are special, I don't need to tell you that; here are the reasons why..

You have put up with all the crap I made you go through..
You have been the shield that protected me from any evil..
You support me into anything I believe in..
You snap me back to reality incase I get too drifted...
and continue to be the friend I never had..

You trust me with your life..
I trust you with my deepest darkest..
We speak everyday till "I" hang-up..
You read me songs from your entire music collection just because I need something new..
You stay up all night to calm me down..
You talk to me when I am lonely..
You are perpetually around,
to catch me when I am just about to fall..
to make me laugh when I am on the verge of tears..
to make me realise that I deserve the best..

to genuinely take care of someone as unpredictable as me..

I really hope
that I deserve all this.
and I don't ever do anything stupid to lose it.
and that you realise what you mean to me.

So,
Happy Birthday Mr. Banerjee :-)
May you get all that you deserve ;-)
and may I be able to feel the same way for you, another 20 yrz down the line.

Love,
Bitch ;-)



Did we get too senti?
Ah! Here are the things I was upto all the while I was away....

*~* Had a trip to Mahabaleshwar-Panchgani-Pratapgad; and by far, It was definately one of the most fun trips I have ever had! Love all u guys who made it possible! Teja, Manik, Bhate, Navvy; We five are the best! Fun, super-fun to the maxx!!!!!!

*~* Met Anindita! on the dussehra day! Awesome fun!! India's answer to Raven :-D; love ya baby!

*~* And the biggest news :-) underneath, 1st salary pay-cheque :-)
Oh, by the way, the place I write for is campusjunkie; check my college's home-page here
First salary and a visiting card at 19 is something, isn't it? :-) :-) :-)

Thanks to all you people who made it possible, who commented end-lessly on my work and helped me improve. This money goes to my dad, coz well, I have my own reasons :-)

Ma aisheche!

Today is Maha-shashti, marks the instigation of this year's Durga Puja :-) This is the Ma I will be praying to this year and like every-year, shes the prettiest Ma I have ever seen!

Ma comes back to her baabul ka aangan from shiv-ji's house alongwith her children but, doesn't enter the house as the tale goes. Now, what-how-where, I have no idea; But, durga puja as such holds a lot of importance to us bengalies coz well, it is our *main* festival.

That watching mahalaya before the puja commences,

That endless shopping of authentic clothes

The hunt for mum's matching blouse :-P

The food

The colours

The feel

The togetherness

The pushpanjali on the 7th, 8th n 9th day

The phul-bel-pata diye montro confusion

The staying hungry till you get the phal-prasad after pushpanjali

The race for shanti-jal

The line for bhog

THE BHOG [:-P]

The aunties and their gossips

The uncles and their chada

The kids and their drawing competition

The roaming all over mumbai to see all thakur protimas

The balika gauri

The aparajitar phul-o-gach

The sindur utsav

mithaiyo ka mela

The visarjan!

Ah! God please, make me have birth as a bengali each life! I love being a bong!!! majorly coz of durga puja, plus, the food rocks :-D

Oh! I can already hear the dhak, kongsha, shonkho n ullu!
*nostalgia* :-)

Happy Durgotsav! Bolo Durga mai ki jai!

Being curious

If white symbolizes peace,
Why does it make me feel hollow inside?

If looks don’t matter,
Why do cosmetics sell?

If blondies are supposed to be dumb,
Why do we [dark skinned Indians] colour our hair blonde?

If they are not hygienic,
Why are beauty parlors so popular?

If friends are the support system,
Why do they betray?

If they don’t want to get hurt,
Why do people put-up sensitive content on public forum?

If we value our privacy,
Why is orkut more popular than Facebook?

If fuck [as a word] is part of ‘normal’ vocabulary,
Why do people mask it with asterisk?

If they want to keep the content clean,
Why use such words at-all?

If every-one has it,
Why is sex so hyped?

If green is the colour of envy,
Why do I wear it so often?

If I know he doesn’t care,
Why do I wait for his call?

If I don’t like her,
Why do I need to pretend?

If I can,
Why don’t I?

If it is now or never,
Why is not sinking in?

Ah! Such is life…

P.S. Nothing said here is meant for any person or organization. Suit yourself, I shall continue to do the same.

P.P.S. I don't need replies, I have them. I need views on the write up :-)

Azaadi..

Free,
Every-one of us relates to this word in different ways.
But there is a common chord.
Having free thoughts.

Dedicated to the fighters who enabled us to do whatever we wanted to do, to be whatever we wanted to be, to 60 years of this freedom.


Hamein aaj azaadi hai...
Mann ke bandhan todne ki,
kalpanao ki udaan bharne ki,
naye pragati ke marg sujhane ki,
aur unse sabke sapno ko saakar karne ki.

Rashtra-bhasha nirbhayta se bolne ki,
chamak-dhamak ke kaale chashme ko kholne ki,
kaam mein mann lagane ki,
sach or sahas ko mul-mantra banane ki.

Andhvishwas se mukt hone ki,
vicharo ko shabdo mein dhaalne ki,
shabdo ko prakashit karne ki,
kal se bada ban-ne ki.

zyada chahne ki, zyada paane ki,
aur paane ke baad, us-e baattne ki,
chehro pe muskaan laane ki,
sabko aaj aazadi hai.

Par kya hum is azaadi ka sahi istemaal kar rahe hai?

सभी देश-वासियो को स्वतंत्रता दिवस की हार्दिक सुभ-कामनाये
Jai Hind!

The fire within!

Each one of us has this something they are passionate about. Sometimes it is a talent, or maybe a hobby, even occupation. Sometimes it is "craze for sports", other times it is as tiny as "talking on the phone". Our passions determine us, mark our personality. Not that it means anything, but people who have passion for the same things, have a similar wavelength. And well, that is how I have made most of my friends, coz we share, in common, some or the other thing that we are passionate about.

Among many other things here and there, I always thought I was passionate about bio-sciences.

Always.

*As a kid, I first wanted to be Paleontologist! [If you think of Ross Geller ;-) , I don't blame you] Then, I began to hate history. So, plan cancelled.

*Gradually, as every kid at some point or another wants to, even I wanted to become a Doctor. MBBS with surgery - specialization, then join the Army. [Yea 'Samby' and his friends, you can smile :-P]
But then, 7 years of MBBS was declared, and it was such a turn off! I mean, who wants to stay stuck in graduation when the whole world has done masters and already is working. Plus, just MBBS has no value what-so-ever and post-graduation competition is horrible with reservation every-where. No, no... Mission aborted!

*Then my interest diverted towards plants. Yes, Horticulture was the call.
So, when I joined Science in junior college, I had this dream. To do BSc Botany, MSc horticulture and go through forests all over the world, find some rare plant species and name it after my name :-P [Centuria shatabdi-expressa? :-D]

But locha!
Fell accidentally in love with Chemistry!
So, now I am graduating in Biochemistry... ;-) and I am loving it!

Yes, I am an academically attached kid, who loves her college and wants to pursue Research and Development. And I sure am still passionate about it, science. I mean, I sit in lectures with a temme-something-I-dunno attitude. And when teachers do tell me something I didn't know, I am happy, my day is made. There is no desire to learn answers by-heart, who likes to do that? What I like to do is find answers to my questions; know more, a little more, till I am satisfied. My teachers actually have to tell me, "You are doing graduation and that in just one subject. Leave something for post-graduation, will you?"
I smile in front of them and come home to read something from the net or refer random books of my preference. If I don't get the answer, I ask more people. I get so restless, I don't get sleep. Yes, I know its weird :-D

Curiosity, enthusiasm, interest in wholistic knowledge. Not working too hard, but sincerity towards our work.
Is this what we call scientific aptitude?

Jokes that hurt.

I am not the sensitive kind of people. Usually when random people blabber, I don't even bother to pay attention. If I barely know you, and you are talking crap and acting the PJ cracker, your jokes will not even penetrate my external ears, simply because I don't like pakau/popat/pathetic jokes. But when friends blabber, I join-in the blabbering. Their PJs, the most saddest jokes, make me roll on the floor laughing [not literally :-P] Maybe it is simply because of the fact that I appreciate their attempt to make things at ease and I like them, Of course I do, they are FRIENDS!

We all like laughing, don't we?
Its loads better than sitting in one corner and whining. If there is nothing genuinely funny around, its great to sit down with friends, exaggerate absolutely non-noticeable incidents, pull each others legs, and if we are still unable to extract a PJ, just simply sit back, look at each others futile attempts and laugh. Now I can't justify that, but there are certain friends whose mere sight is enough to get me giggling, a slight mention or even memory, brings a wide smile to my face. They are funny people and that is not what I wanna talk about right now.

Everyone seems to think that being funny is "in" and to be accepted in a group of friends, all one needs to do is crack jokes. I don't blame anyone, even I like to laugh. Plus, secretly I accept that I like people who make me laugh. But does that mean that everyone has to be humorous?

People don't know when to stop the whole act that was originally started for enjoyment, this is where they lack. They are all nice people with decent sense of humor, but they constantly cross that line and other people think its funny and you can't be a spoilt sport to take offense and at the end of the day they are your friends and it was just a joke and what will others think and aarrgghhhh......every possible aspect of the situation comes in front of you. Then its all up to you. Whether to object and ask them to shut the trash or laugh along and give them the benefit.

I personally believe, that if you can't tell them that you are uncomfortable, what good is your friendship for? Alright, they couldn't recognize the discomfort in your body-language, but never take home any incident that might have hurt you in any-way. Additionally, never pretend that life is all rosy, because by doing that, you will just be inviting another similar episode. It all boils down to the ability of laughing at one-self and comfort in tackling jokes to turn them into episodes of no offense and pure fun. More-over, when PJs are directed back to the person who initiated it all, that person in turn should not take offense, appreciate the joke and then the cycle can continue :-P

So PJ crackers, choose your victim well. If some-one objects, know when to stop. Your jokes might sound funny to you, for us they are traumatic. If all people laugh on things you say, they might even be laughing at you, think about it, think about it before opening your mouth, it is good friendship and trust at stake.

P.S. The post is directed towards a person from real-life and a particular set of people who are very dear to me. This strictly does not mean that I don't like jokes that are directed towards me or general PJs being cracked to derive fun.

Not just another 18 year old..

No,
I don't believe that a person's behavior depends on his/her age.
I don't believe that "18" is the age when a person becomes mature.
I don't believe that when you know of someone's age to be as "18", you make speculations about their personality without even knowing teeny-tiny bit about the person.


Wise people have this absolutely familiar doctrine that says, "age brings wisdom." Do we agree with this?
On the contrary, the older I am growing, the more I am falling as an exception to this unsaid rule.

Well, age makes us more prepared to face the problems/situations. Why? coz we have comparatively lived more life and have more experience and blah blah..
But that does not mean, if the number of years survived is large, but quality life lived is tiny, you would be more wise at the end...
What is wisdom by the way??
*~*knowledge? we get that from books
*~*common sense? isn't it uncommon?
*~*opinion? But everyone have their own. So, how can a particular aged people be tagged of being wise?
*~*intelligence? No, there is no-way of measuring this virtue and I am dead sure it doesn't depend on age.
*~*how you react to a particular stimulus. No, that depends on your insticts and they don't depend on your age.
*~*understanding? Please, that does not depend on age. It more about how your brain works :-P
*~*perception? Maybe, kinda convincing, but that depends on portrayal too. Don't you think?

So the speculation is a failure, maybe I didn't get the correct meaning of the term "wisdom". Prolly thinking in the opposite sense might help.
wisdom x foolishness.
Depends on age? ha ha


Back to talking about me.
I had a pre-admission in kinder-garden and have grown up with people numerically older than me. But, have always been the good kid, counselor, giving advices etc. etc. to my peers.
Half my batch-mates [example jiggs] are already 20 [numerically], and most of the other half [example alisha] are on the verge of becoming 20 [numerically again!].
I am 18 [numerically], but at times am 8 [literally], but there are times when I behave like I am 28, maybe even 38 :-| But unlike most 18 year olds [freshly out of 12th grade], I guess I am lot more observant, verbal, analyzing, deducing, understanding, bothering, calm...and much less obsessive, angry, easy-going, thoughtless...
Does that make me any more wiser than them?
Do I actually care?

I hate it when people jump to conclusions about me depending on the number"18".
when people take me for granted coz I am just a kid [numerically].
when I place a worthy argument in front of people and they reject it, coz its not "from a wise enough person."
when people who know the kid in me, refuse to accept me as a contributing individual in serious emotional/financial/intellectual discussions.
I hate it when people care about the age....

Would like to mention Billie Burke's very relevant quote which says, "Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese." :-P

Thus,
According to me, what age reflects is, the number of years [amount of time] you have survived, ate, drunk, walked on planet earth. full-stop.
What age does not reflect is, personality, goodness, truthfulness, being genuine, bigheartedness..
And what age certainly does not reflect is, how we would react to a certain situation.


Would like to end with a thought,
Live your life, don't care about the age. And when you meet someone, care about the person, not their age [even if they are potential partners, ha ha, coz age no bar ;-)].

The mumbai chills......

Temperatures in mumbai falling below 10 degree celsius? Something i couldn't even imagine up till a couple of weeks ago. Well now that it actually has happened, i was thinking how to deal with it. Because, mumbai is NOT ready for it. I for one, am absolutely not ready!

Early morning, traveling through train, i realized how relevant this was. All people in their costume to beat the chills; sweaters, shawls, etc. etc....n me? in full-sleeve [good for nothing] chiffon clothes. And as i don't have too many of them, [and i don't do my laundry regularly] after 3-4 days, back 2 sleeve-lesses and comfy [ha ha!] cottons. I hate sweaters, and hate is not a word i use often. Also because it takes me time to get accustomed to new things, and when i get accustomed, there is no need to be used to it. Shivering top to bottom, as my clothes flew all over the place, adding to the cold; Me getting all numb [nose being the 1st thing 2 catch the chill]; People giving me dark stares; some wondering about my resistance, some about my stupidity. My body cells have become so hyperactive ever since, that now i get goose-bumps for absolutely anything!!

Don't blame me for it. How am I suppose to react if my city's weather suddenly decides to go to an extreme? No gloves, shawls, no suitable footwear. Thank-god i am used to wearing socks everyday!

Well, I blame the most heard term during summers, yes, 'global warming' for it. Lame men might say, good, its cold; helps fight against global warming. Little do they know about green house gases. Just because it is called "global warming", it is not only about increasing heat.
The earth has its own mechanisms for regulating the weather conditions, which are reflected by temperatures. These act by means of winds. If the mechanism collapses, temperatures will rise in summer, yes, but when degrees fall in winters, atmosphere is incapable of bouncing back to normal. How do I know this? AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH by Al Gore. And for people who say that temperatures of mumbai are going low perennially, all i have to say is this.
Temperatures in winters will fall, but in summer shall rise. And if it is falling below all expectations, yea, u guessed it right........
As a result, after a couple of years, we will be like, Oh! i just miss the ideal mumbai weather...
We shouldn't crib about it, I agree. All i have to say is, don't be ignorant either.

So what measures should we take against it? As of now, face the freezing colds, that is quite a big deal by itself.
And for the long run, [at the risk of sounding like a parrot] COMBAT GLOBAL WARMING!

The other side of me...

Well, i have been with myself all my life. But "me" is something i am most confused about. And i have finally deduced the reason for that.

'Me' undergoes transitions.
'Me' is usually under illusions.
'Me' learns from situations, tight spots.
'Me' misunderstands, misinterprets, does mistakes. But then, they are all part of being me.
'Me' likes to experiment i.e. does new things.
'Me' realizes things.
'Me' experiences and makes a choice; either yes, or no.
But then, 'me' is never just me, its influenced by several other 'me's.

Also, here me is not just shatabdi, according 2 me, its all of us.

Coming back to my other side. I am told [numerous times] that i have a very sensitive, mature person hiding behind myself. This post is the reply to all people who talk about the "akkal". All shades of me, are a part of me. I am calm, sober, loud, good, confused, bad, lazy, unpredictable, nasty, patient, happy, understanding, abusive, angelic, cute, quite, psychic, crazy, sweet, mad, talkative, naughty, ugly, bitter etc. etc. all at once!!! Well, only my good friends have actually seen all these and many more shades. For others, i am the usual talking, happy person. Probably that gets my friends confused.

But no-one ever remains the same. So, no-one should ever stop exploring themselves.
Ending with a thought...

Take a minute before you sleep each night and think about yourself.
Think about your day
and how you contribute to the world in your little way.
Your mistakes, kind words you said,
Things you thought you would do, Things you finally did.
Life might be short, long; you've gotta live it all,
If you get up each time, its not that bad to fall.

: )