Saturday, January 30, 2010

Where is the will? Is there any way?

Winter would mean different things to different people; to me it is like a Black Hole. This winter I seem to have lost all feeling of feeling at all. Forget romance, winter is just a lousy season because:
I’m drained out of everything! Interest, Energy, Thought-process, Motivation; even regular bodily Sensation! Numbness all around; in the periphery, in the limbs, heart, head, every part!

Initially I was looking forward to the “real” winters. In Mumbai temperatures do not fall below 15 degrees usually. Now, being in the jungles of the south, I knew the temperatures would definitely be cooler than back home. What I did not expect was freezing myself to numbness. And well, everything in and around me is now, frozen. Fondness became Apathy, Warmth is now cooled off and the heart? It feels like an ice-cube. Sigh.

Making an attempt needs motivation, Motivation comes from experience, for experience you have to experiment, to experiment you should innovate, Innovation is a product of thought process and for the process to trigger you have to make an attempt. So, we are back to square one, the circle of trying, of attempting. If you are of the opinion that you are the master of this circle, think again; You might just be humoring yourself.
I used to think I am. But, I am not.

For survival there is a constant need to attempt; for which I’m either too de-motivated or simply lost at majority times. When I do try, at times, I fail. I muster courage, and try several times, sometimes it gets done, some other times I lose interest and give up. How justified is it, I do not know and honestly, I’ve started to stop caring; It is almost like I am asexual, non-productive by both feelings and ideas.

To deal with it is tricky, to care about it is saddening, to not care about it is the reason for failure and failing in life is equal to choosing to end it; yes, the ‘will’ is missing. I thought just hanging on would help me figure ways out of it. But that is just waiting, waiting for calamity to strike, for my inevitable end to set me free. So, I have to deal with it now, but how? That also needs to be self-figured out. It is almost like jumping in the sea with neither swimming skills nor a life-jacket. Sink, float, sink more, float some more; when you try to float, you sink; when you try to sink, you float. Suffocation, Derangement, Disorientation, Losing sanity, losing everything, Panic!

*beep*

And then one breeze comes by and sweeps all despair beyond me, this one is called ‘Hope’, to survive, to clear well, to sail through. In the end, the real world is still two shores away and I am busy building my own fresh new world.

P.S. I'm writing after almost 2 months. Feels good :)

9 comments:

kaka said...

u can try to be regular...i like the likes where u mention about motivation,innovation, the need to experiment and all...beautiful lines and well thought....but this post highly relates to me as i can see myself as one of those who is undergoing the same phase as you....all we can is HOPE

Anurag said...

get with it girl....but u r right..I never used to think abt winters that way :D

soin said...

the winter cold can freeze stuff.and as the snow melt away later,so does most of the bitterness of that season.and we can look forward to the warmth of the sun.how i wish i lived in a place like that.but i like the 8 degree cold north india is offering me.its snow for a chennai fellow.free

Alok said...

Wow.

The post in itself seems to be a contradiction. The author claims that she is out of all kind of feeling and thought; yet she has produced this post which portrays her feelings very powerfully.

This is surely one of your finest posts, and I am not exaggerating.

But here's what I think:

"Making an attempt needs motivation, Motivation comes from experience, for experience you have to experiment, to experiment you should innovate, Innovation is a product of thought process and for the process to trigger you have to make an attempt."

This description is incomplete. All the processes that you've described here are internal and hence this "circle" is unreal. Motivation might result from some external factor (A hot male, maybe?). That might lead to a thought process and probably an attempt.

No, I am not the master of the complete "circle". But I am the master of what I am inside, which is defined by a vision of what I want myself to be.

And surely, everybody wants something. And it is never enough. That is the best part!

Express said...

Kaka:
:) I can be a regular.. yea, thats always a possibility. The problem is, usually i dont have too much access to internet.. not coz there is no facility.. it is my inability to write on a public computer. My laptop has been irky lately.. trying 2 figure..hmm.

:)


Anurag:
Good. So now thought process is triggered :D :P

Express said...

Soin:
Haha! i understand that analogy, well, have fun while u have it :)

I thought a lot about what u said; well, i guess time will tell.. i will write abt it, and u'll knw :)

Take good care.


Plus it feels so good coz ppl still bother to read wht others r coming up with. I'm so behind on all my readings, its almost worthless to go back n read all of it..
sigh..

Express said...

Alok:
THIS is the precise reason why ur comments r highly valued :D You know the writer in me even better than I do, so well..

The analogy I wrote is basically for my inability to enjoy lab-work. As you must've figured, the post is abt me not being able 2 have romantic feelings and neither academic inclinations..
if u see 4m padhai angle, i hope it fulfills :D

agar nahi hai, toh apne brilliant brain se add karke padh-lo! maine toh out of frustration likha hai :D

Alok said...

Express,

Well, that you needed to express yourself was clearly obvious from the post. Especially the way the pent-up feelings surface within the post.

And that exactly is my point!

You still expect things out of yourself, romantically or academically, even though you are doing nothing (as you see it) to fulfill them.

That means one of two things; either you're too comfortable with your current lifestyle, or you're too busy in self-development (not necessarily academically or romantically) to notice that you're still the way you were, just too busy.

I cannot imagine life in any hostel that can promote a lifestyle that is fulfilling, so most probably it's the second reason.

If that is the case, then there is absolutely no reason to worry; it will all come back with time.

Also, keep in mind: No Love is without Hard Work.

Enduring Spirit said...

I love the winters express... Absolutely..

Motivation for me does not come from experience... But from the intense desire for an experience.. Get my drift..?

Will... If there is will , there absolutely is a way... The thing is that yot don't need to find it, yot almost always need to make it.. And I think that you will.
You wanted to be here don't you? Doing your masters from one of india's best places... Why do I then read in ur earlier posts that u've fucked up ur 1st internals... I have always knwn u to b focussed shatabhi... Tell me m not wrong..