Saturday, December 18, 2010

Stuck at the cross-roads of life

I am at a state when I just want life to stop questioning me how I want it to change. A decision that would determine where I shall belong, what I shall become.. Everytime I come up with an answer to this crucial question; people ask me, "really?" And well, everything I planned and re-planned goes down the drain. When even I am not completely convinced, how the hell should I convince them?

People usually think about this when they are 15 years old. They realise what they want to become and then they try and chase it.. A pilot, a teacher, a chef, a doctor, a model, an actress or even a photographer! Passion develops, chase begins, chase ends, life begins. If they get what they really want, they settle for it. If they don't get it, well, they settle for the next best thing. During the tryst of career-chase, atleast people find out what they don't want to do. And then, they can carve their paths from there.

With me, it was nothing like that.

I knew science was my "thing". And now after completing my bachelor's and (almost) my master's degree, I am not sure. It is plain ridiculous. My classmates are busy applying for PhD or job or fellowship or interview or matrimonial!; and I don't have any motivation towards any of these because none of these are things that I am looking forward to.

Then what am I looking forward to? Well, honestly, I do not know.

I studied till now according to how fate wanted things to turn. Bachelor's in biochemistry was not a concious decision, but I enjoyed it. Then, I did master's in the same subject from a very good university because the tiny research aspirant in me deserved a genuine chance. But here in Unversity of Hyderabad, the last 2 years have just gone by in the rat race to score a face-saving CGPA. And now the research aspirant in me is afraid that she is not good enough. Call me crazy, but I hate coursework, even if I don't suck at it, i still hate it.

What is wrong with me? Honestly, I have tried a lot to figure that out. But, I have failed miserably. You are welcome to try though..

I think I am way too immature to make a huge decision of moving to another country. Plus, I neither have solid research experience, nor killing motivation to make it happen for me. This confusion started with average GRE marks and now I dont know how to set everything right.

To add to my confusion, my area of interest changes everyday; No kidding. I have read loads of books, tons of research papaers, and still am as lost as ever. I really like the way my life is right now and do not want anything to change. I am trying with all my might to postpone the decision, at least till the time when I have the courage to deal with it, till I find the answer to my primary question.

I am going to make a sound decision. And this time, fate shall not triumph.
For the last time, I need more time to look into my crooked brain.
I need time to set my ambitions straight.
I need time to dream and achieve things that I deserve.
I need time to know, what do I want to become...

I wish that next year brings me a little more focus and insight. Any other gifts that want to tag along are most welcome :P Happy holidays everyone! :)