Saturday, December 18, 2010

Stuck at the cross-roads of life

I am at a state when I just want life to stop questioning me how I want it to change. A decision that would determine where I shall belong, what I shall become.. Everytime I come up with an answer to this crucial question; people ask me, "really?" And well, everything I planned and re-planned goes down the drain. When even I am not completely convinced, how the hell should I convince them?

People usually think about this when they are 15 years old. They realise what they want to become and then they try and chase it.. A pilot, a teacher, a chef, a doctor, a model, an actress or even a photographer! Passion develops, chase begins, chase ends, life begins. If they get what they really want, they settle for it. If they don't get it, well, they settle for the next best thing. During the tryst of career-chase, atleast people find out what they don't want to do. And then, they can carve their paths from there.

With me, it was nothing like that.

I knew science was my "thing". And now after completing my bachelor's and (almost) my master's degree, I am not sure. It is plain ridiculous. My classmates are busy applying for PhD or job or fellowship or interview or matrimonial!; and I don't have any motivation towards any of these because none of these are things that I am looking forward to.

Then what am I looking forward to? Well, honestly, I do not know.

I studied till now according to how fate wanted things to turn. Bachelor's in biochemistry was not a concious decision, but I enjoyed it. Then, I did master's in the same subject from a very good university because the tiny research aspirant in me deserved a genuine chance. But here in Unversity of Hyderabad, the last 2 years have just gone by in the rat race to score a face-saving CGPA. And now the research aspirant in me is afraid that she is not good enough. Call me crazy, but I hate coursework, even if I don't suck at it, i still hate it.

What is wrong with me? Honestly, I have tried a lot to figure that out. But, I have failed miserably. You are welcome to try though..

I think I am way too immature to make a huge decision of moving to another country. Plus, I neither have solid research experience, nor killing motivation to make it happen for me. This confusion started with average GRE marks and now I dont know how to set everything right.

To add to my confusion, my area of interest changes everyday; No kidding. I have read loads of books, tons of research papaers, and still am as lost as ever. I really like the way my life is right now and do not want anything to change. I am trying with all my might to postpone the decision, at least till the time when I have the courage to deal with it, till I find the answer to my primary question.

I am going to make a sound decision. And this time, fate shall not triumph.
For the last time, I need more time to look into my crooked brain.
I need time to set my ambitions straight.
I need time to dream and achieve things that I deserve.
I need time to know, what do I want to become...

I wish that next year brings me a little more focus and insight. Any other gifts that want to tag along are most welcome :P Happy holidays everyone! :)

6 comments:

Rushabhh Gandhi said...

Happy Happy New Year!!
confusions come and go...and what you have written might have already solved by now or maybe you are already in a phase saying...who cares about this part!

metal-militant said...

Its all about looking inward.Not outward.You are looking at peers who are following the science job trend but that is not what you want to do.Ideally,what you want to do should be what makes you happy.Look at your hobbies,your distractions.Look at whether you can make a living out of them.

How else do you think I got into animation?

Alok said...

"I studied till now according to how fate wanted things to turn. Bachelor's in biochemistry was not a concious decision, but I enjoyed it."

I think these two sentence betoken the source of your problem. You studied while waiting for an external factor (fate) to guide you. On the way you found a love for Science, but were still waiting for something to happen or to give you direction.

After reading this, I have an inclination to think that your experience at Hyderabad is the source of your fear, much like my experience at IITB was anathema to me. I never want to go through something like that again.

But here's what I say: Science isn't all about earning marks or being bright. It is about being honest to yourself and living close to reality. It is also about being creative and exploring your ideas.

Indian Universities focus on competition; not all universities do. Most promote creativity and freedom. Even the IITs do (except that you have to be very committed, and they judge you by your history).

Finally, imagine yourself 30 years later, looking back at your life. What would the future you want you to do?

P.S. Do you want your readers to read your blog or do you want them to appreciate the Background?

Express said...

Rushabh: Haha! Not really. The problem has stuck with me for a while now.. and no, this question is not even close to be answered.

But I've grown over it. And you are right, I've begun to stop caring about it. the 'lost phase' is past and a new phase of 'make the best that you have' has begun.

Cheers to life!

Express said...

Ishaan: I know my greater goal now. Yes, I do. But the path towards getting there is rocky and undesirable.

And because of that, I am not even sure if I want to become what my heart truly desires of.

I am more scared than hopeful.. and that tends to make me feel lost.


But you are right. Because I dared to dream, I also have to dare to try.

Express said...

Alok: Firstly, the old background was on the theme of holidays, hence the bright lights.. but it was very much legible. Got get your glasses checked!
The current one is more based on the spring-summer theme; that I'm so glad is here :)

I am still thinking about what you said. It breaks my heart to admit that My Masters hasn't gone the way I would like it to. I was more negative and inhibited than I have probably been all my life!

I need time to think about the possibilities. And that break, I am taking now.