Stuck at the cross-roads of life

I am at a state when I just want life to stop questioning me how I want it to change. A decision that would determine where I shall belong, what I shall become.. Everytime I come up with an answer to this crucial question; people ask me, "really?" And well, everything I planned and re-planned goes down the drain. When even I am not completely convinced, how the hell should I convince them?

People usually think about this when they are 15 years old. They realise what they want to become and then they try and chase it.. A pilot, a teacher, a chef, a doctor, a model, an actress or even a photographer! Passion develops, chase begins, chase ends, life begins. If they get what they really want, they settle for it. If they don't get it, well, they settle for the next best thing. During the tryst of career-chase, atleast people find out what they don't want to do. And then, they can carve their paths from there.

With me, it was nothing like that.

I knew science was my "thing". And now after completing my bachelor's and (almost) my master's degree, I am not sure. It is plain ridiculous. My classmates are busy applying for PhD or job or fellowship or interview or matrimonial!; and I don't have any motivation towards any of these because none of these are things that I am looking forward to.

Then what am I looking forward to? Well, honestly, I do not know.

I studied till now according to how fate wanted things to turn. Bachelor's in biochemistry was not a concious decision, but I enjoyed it. Then, I did master's in the same subject from a very good university because the tiny research aspirant in me deserved a genuine chance. But here in Unversity of Hyderabad, the last 2 years have just gone by in the rat race to score a face-saving CGPA. And now the research aspirant in me is afraid that she is not good enough. Call me crazy, but I hate coursework, even if I don't suck at it, i still hate it.

What is wrong with me? Honestly, I have tried a lot to figure that out. But, I have failed miserably. You are welcome to try though..

I think I am way too immature to make a huge decision of moving to another country. Plus, I neither have solid research experience, nor killing motivation to make it happen for me. This confusion started with average GRE marks and now I dont know how to set everything right.

To add to my confusion, my area of interest changes everyday; No kidding. I have read loads of books, tons of research papaers, and still am as lost as ever. I really like the way my life is right now and do not want anything to change. I am trying with all my might to postpone the decision, at least till the time when I have the courage to deal with it, till I find the answer to my primary question.

I am going to make a sound decision. And this time, fate shall not triumph.
For the last time, I need more time to look into my crooked brain.
I need time to set my ambitions straight.
I need time to dream and achieve things that I deserve.
I need time to know, what do I want to become...

I wish that next year brings me a little more focus and insight. Any other gifts that want to tag along are most welcome :P Happy holidays everyone! :)

I need to be me tonight

I need a recap tonight
a recap of all mistakes I've done
of all the people I've hurt
and all the disasters, just for fun

I need a car tonight
to run me down memory lane
to make me realise how much time I wasted
all the partial effort, down the drain

I need a new friend tonight
who'd just listen to me go on and on
would neither judge me, nor advice
He'd just leave me on my own

I need to do the right thing tonight
because I've always done what's wrong
never listened, have always imposed
always tried to show, I'm strong

I need to lose myself tonight
so that I can find me again
one day when the sun shall rise
There will be no chance of any rain.

When 'Thanks' doesn't seem enough..

I have had a rough couple of months. Academically, emotionally, and even health-wise. I had just one week to get back to Hyderabad and most of it was going to be dedicated to my TOEFL. I did not get a chance to meet most of my friends here, back home, and worse, GRE got screwed up as expected because you see, I wasn't well.

Just when nothing seemed to work well for me, My 21st birthday arrived and set everything straight :)

Birthdays for me have always been a huge celebration. Well, till the 19th one. 20th birthday saw me stepping out of teenage and also out of home to pursue my Master's in University of Hyderabad. So, it was a mixed box of feelings. 21st one was my official entry to adulthood and I wasn't quite sure how grand I wanted to make it. But, my awesome friends and super-mom made sure they made it the best birthday ever!

I got 4 birthday Cakes; and 2 more are pending in Hyd..
I was gifted lots of stuff and all of it is something I needed.
Read 2 most awesome birthday cards that made me cry :')
Met some new people and visited some pending eat-outs in Mumbai.
Literally, shopped till I dropped.
Slept for only 3 n 1/2 hours of the 24 :)
went 1/2 hour late to my own birthday party coz I was busy on the phone
Met most of my favorite people on the planet.
Spoke to everyone for whom my heart reaches out.

My phone got jammed at 00:00 am on 18th because of the number of messages that were delivered at the same time :P

I was so overwhelmed with all the love being showered that I had a wide smile on my face when I knocked off at the night after all the celebration. I really needed this high and my friends made sure they made the best out of it :)

I just LOVE my birthdays :)

Dreams

When you hear the word 'Dream', what is the first thought that comes to your mind?
A recurring nightmare?
Something you always wanted to be?
Someplace you always wanted to visit?
Someone you always wanted to be with?
An absolute feeling of elation or that of downright misery..

What do these visions mean? Do they show you some things about yourself that are hidden so deep down, yet are so strong that they have to surface in some way or the other? Something you are, something you want to be, something you actually CAN be.

If not in sleep, we dream while we are awake. Then try to achieve them. Succeed, fail or fail miserably. Then dream some more. A dreamer will always be a dreamer; how easy or difficult his dreams might be.


Visualization is the key to achieving. Till you don’t see yourself winning, there is no-way you will work for it, and until you do work, nothing can be achieved. Not my words, some-one wise once said these to me.

I meanwhile have been a pessimist all along. Aim low, if you get more, it’s a happy surprise! No expectations = no disappointments; Always worked for me. Ignorant as I was, did not realize that achieving the goals is the whole point of aiming and till you are going to be satisfied with what you have, how are you ever going to get what you deserve?



So then the journey began, of fantasy, of vividness, of ecstasy, of beauty.. :-)

Here I am,
the way I like myself to be;
with the visions in my eyes
dreams for today in my heart..
Rustling past the slow world
Towards the me I want to be.

So, dream on honey
Of the bright days, blue skies,
Of pretty birds and soulful meadows
Of us, tomorrow and today

And if you simply cannot
However hard you try,
Unable to see yourself there, amongst the not real?
I’ll do the dreaming for the two of us.

P.S. This was my 100th published post. Milestone in a beautiful journey. Thanks for being a part of it. :)

The saga of the whining victor

Antakshari and I are old buddies. I chase it, it chases me; I win it and sometimes if I don’t, it wins me. Where-ever I go, I invariably end up participating in it and hence the chase continues.
So it did, even here in Hyderabad.


On the 30th of Jan ’10, after a whole drama, I managed to make a random team of three and won, yea, came 2nd without doing too much effort and had a gala time. BUT, I had no idea that the last bit of my association with this contest would be the most frustrating one, requiring maximum amount of patience from my side; the part where I collect my prize.

First, they don’t give the prize-money / vouchers on the prescribed day because it is supposed to be centralized. So, hang on, it will come to you. We play safe, ask one of the organizers to collect and then pass it on to us. What I do-not know is that he is an ass who will continuously call me in the middle of a test [after telling him repeatedly that I’m busy till 5pm]. Whatever happened to ‘dropping a text message?!’ Flustered, I decide to deal with the other guy, choose to call him up and explain. Well, he turns out to be the sane choice; let’s call him A. By this time, it is 1st Feb. ’10. A gave me a date after inquiry, 7th Feb, Sunday, official prize distribution day.
Turns out it wasn’t.


I’m sure they had their reasons, but the postponing continued for quite some-time. One of these days, he managed to lay his hands on the cheque and the vouchers, but failed to pass them on to me. Then A and I played I’m busy-You are busy for another couple of weeks, had another blood-boiling experience with the 1st organizer guy and finally, on one of the worst days of my life, 8th March, I collected the glorious prize. Hang on, doesn’t end here.

First of all, the vouchers were bogus. I have an awesome hair-style, and they give me 200/- discount at Habib’s. I don’t wear jewellery, they give me 1000 bucks off, If I shop for 12,000 bucks. Are you kidding me?! There is more to it…
The cheque was an account payee, which I obviously knew would go in my account that might be in any bank under the sky; BUT while giving the cheque to me, A asked me to go to this prescribed bank’s distal branch and en-cash the money. Blind me didn’t read the cheque and took his word for it.

After this, begins the most annoying part. I am running around all day in the campus with the cheque in my wallet and when I get free in the evenings at 5, the bank is shut already! On the 13th Mar, it is second Saturday, the bank won’t even open. Unbelievable frustration

FINALLY, today, 2 days prior to my super-huge ultra-important presentation, I take time out to go all the way to Madhapur in this scorching heat, only to get a joke made out of me. The banker asked me to go back to my campus branch of SBI and deposit the cheque in my account and then, withdraw the money from my regular everyday atm. I insist on withdrawal, but as I’m not his customer, he is free to not entertain me.


Current status is that my cheque is dropped in the box. It will en-cash after 3 working days and then I get the money. If I was in US now, I would be filing defamation against the fest-organizers for being the sole reason behind absolute nuisance, tanning me 2 shades down, causing deep inconvenience and inefficient transfer of deserved currency. But I’m in India, and this happens every day here.

It gets on my nerves more because back home in Bombay, every time we had a fest, the winners got their prizes less than ½ an hour after they won, and here, the cheque was dated 22nd Feb. I still don’t have the money, but I’m ready to ignore all the drama that followed.

You might wonder what were the 2 of my group mates [one of them a guy] doing all this while. Nothing. I couldn’t face them because it was like I owed them money and yet, I didn’t! Of the Rs 500/- of my share, I have already blown about Rs 250/- in making phone calls, travelling, eating ice-creams to turn down frustration and the likes. Another grand would be spent in PARTYYY and treat-treat-treat chants. Grr.


A few good things that came out of the whole thing are that I won against someone I really wanted to show the ground, made another decent friend in Hyderabad and understood the value of a not-so-petty 500 rupee note.

Take home messages.

1. If you organize a fest, it is just not about the 3 days, it is about everything that happens before and after it. Act responsible.

2. If you have an enemy, ask them to participate in Felicity, organized by IIIT Hyd; and make absolutely sure that they win.

Blah.

This love-hate thing..

When they like you, you don't like them;
when they don't, you lurrvveee them.
When you talk to them, you are on cloud nine,
when you don't, probably they are on cloud seventeen :D

And then all this while,
there is this person
who stares at you while you work in the library,
dreams of you, day and night,
tries a lot to talk to you,
smiles a lot while talking to you.


And you keep hoping to talk to the person who doesn't care what you want to talk about, making several blows to the feelings of the one who does care.

This funny thing about liking someone, you sometimes forget that you need to be liked back.


You settle for whatever comes along. You want to eat a fruit, who cares if it is lemon or strawberry? Humour yourself that all is going to end well; but knowing very well deep down that this ain't going nowhere. Hurting someone elses feelings because this one particular person isn't paying enought attention to you.

This funny thing about loving someone and they not loving you back, someone ends up getting hurt for no fault.


Then, there are your friends. They sympathise with your situation, but 'HAVE GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING NOW!' They, their respective relationships and their funny tales. You have to go like, 'You 've gotta be kidding me!!' or 'Awww, I'm so happy for you :)'; when deep down telling yourself, 'Get out of this room before you explode!'

This funny thing about wanting to be friends with only those people who have identical relationship status as you.


Just when the sea in your heart calmed down, why does the tornado strike?
When you were busy playing neutral, why do all the positives and negatives in you start attracting and repulsing with each other?
This sudden rush of feelings for this one person, all goes well and then suddenly,
*Boom*

The bubble bursts!


WHY?

Love, is it?

The favorite topic of discussion?

Dream-partner, dream-romance, dream-dates, dream-kisses, dream-love-making, dream-wedding!

I personally (still) do not believe in love. I (still) do not see why other people do, AND (still) don't think I would ever be able to. All I had to say about love is this.

My last year's valentine's day post was just an attempt to change the whole topic to other forms of love, but well, this weekend I'm saddened.

Every-one's concern is absolutely different.

Shahrukh Khan wants Paki players to play in IPL
Shiv-sena + Ma-na-se don't want call him a traitor instead
Mumbaikars want to see 'My name is Khan'
Rest of india wants to either like it or not-like it
Terrorists wanna bomb one of my favorite bakeries
City-police wants to sleep
Pune-kars want to act like nothing happened
Hyderabadies want Telengana
Students want to study and nail GATE
My hostel-mates want to smoke in the wash-rooms
My classmates want placement
My mum wants me to wear a saree
My bro wants me to study hardER

I meanwhile, want a break!


One weekend, just one weekend surpasses all others as a mighty huge disaster. And what's best? Its just the beginning of the year / term / career, and I'm freaking out already.


Funny how I had to read a quote on Valentine's day. Says,
Since we tend to see ourselves primarily in the light of our intentions, which are invisible to others; while we see others mainly in the light of their actions, which are visible to us; we have a situation in which misunderstanding and injustice are the order of the day.
Interesting, very interesting.

Where is the will? Is there any way?

Winter would mean different things to different people; to me it is like a Black Hole. This winter I seem to have lost all feeling of feeling at all. Forget romance, winter is just a lousy season because:
I’m drained out of everything! Interest, Energy, Thought-process, Motivation; even regular bodily Sensation! Numbness all around; in the periphery, in the limbs, heart, head, every part!

Initially I was looking forward to the “real” winters. In Mumbai temperatures do not fall below 15 degrees usually. Now, being in the jungles of the south, I knew the temperatures would definitely be cooler than back home. What I did not expect was freezing myself to numbness. And well, everything in and around me is now, frozen. Fondness became Apathy, Warmth is now cooled off and the heart? It feels like an ice-cube. Sigh.

Making an attempt needs motivation, Motivation comes from experience, for experience you have to experiment, to experiment you should innovate, Innovation is a product of thought process and for the process to trigger you have to make an attempt. So, we are back to square one, the circle of trying, of attempting. If you are of the opinion that you are the master of this circle, think again; You might just be humoring yourself.
I used to think I am. But, I am not.

For survival there is a constant need to attempt; for which I’m either too de-motivated or simply lost at majority times. When I do try, at times, I fail. I muster courage, and try several times, sometimes it gets done, some other times I lose interest and give up. How justified is it, I do not know and honestly, I’ve started to stop caring; It is almost like I am asexual, non-productive by both feelings and ideas.

To deal with it is tricky, to care about it is saddening, to not care about it is the reason for failure and failing in life is equal to choosing to end it; yes, the ‘will’ is missing. I thought just hanging on would help me figure ways out of it. But that is just waiting, waiting for calamity to strike, for my inevitable end to set me free. So, I have to deal with it now, but how? That also needs to be self-figured out. It is almost like jumping in the sea with neither swimming skills nor a life-jacket. Sink, float, sink more, float some more; when you try to float, you sink; when you try to sink, you float. Suffocation, Derangement, Disorientation, Losing sanity, losing everything, Panic!

*beep*

And then one breeze comes by and sweeps all despair beyond me, this one is called ‘Hope’, to survive, to clear well, to sail through. In the end, the real world is still two shores away and I am busy building my own fresh new world.

P.S. I'm writing after almost 2 months. Feels good :)