Sunday, October 16, 2011

Bachao!

I have been a good girl for so long now. Since the massive fiasco in school, I've managed to act perfect in front of you. You know me as the girl who behaves herself with all your friends, the girl who doesn't mind cooking and cleaning once in a while, the girl who used to go to lab and come straight to the hostel at 10pm.

Then, Why do you want to dig deeper and know 'me'? Why do you want to make me super conscious on a website where I was supposed to be 'myself'? Why can't you continue being the same ignorant and normal mother like you used to be in the past.
WHY?!


Yes children, she caught the facebook bug. She has been asking me to sign her up since a week and I successfully changed the topic. But now, she is officially, the newest member on my friend-list!

DAY1
Ma: (while I was watching TV)I want to be on facebook.
Me: Aree.. you saw Bade Ache Lagte Hai's this week's promo?
Ma: Yea. They are going on honeymoon!!
Me: (victory dance in my head and innocent smile on my face.)

DAY2
Me: I saw (some cousin's) pictures. She has lost some weight now. Looks cool!
Ma: Yea? That's because they are trying to get her married off..
Me: Oh. Still, its good to see that people are having fun.
Ma: She sent those photos to you?
Me: No. She just uploaded them.
Ma: Facebook? If I was a member, I would have seen it too.
Me: err.. the dal is very tasty today! Extra garlic?
Ma: No, the trick is to fry the dal with the onion and garlic before adding water..
Me: (victory dance in my head and innocent smile on my face.)

DAY3
Ma: (while I was on the computer) Open an account for me on facebook.
Me: Did you see the new features on yahoo msgr! You can talk to bhaiya in US much more effectively!
Ma: yea?! connect it now!!!!!
Me: (victory dance in my head and innocent smile on my face.)

DAY4
Ma: (while I was facebooking on the computer) I also want to use facebook like you do.
Me: Mom, its not for you.
Ma: Why? Because I hadn't seen a computer right when I was born? If your brother was here, he would have been happy because I want to share your fun. But you? you just don't want to keep me updated! (blah..blah..blah..)
Me: Mom, its very complicated! I took 2 months to learn it myself!
Ma: And if you teach me, I can learn it in 2 months too!!
Me: But you have to leave for Kolkata next week! There are so many things we need to do before that!
Ma: I simply forgot!! There is so much to do... Diwali shopping, cleaning, cooking, packing gifts.. lonnng list!
Me: (victory dance in my head and innocent smile on my face.)

DAY5
Ma: I told you so many times but you just don't listen to me!
Me: What did I do now?
Ma: You didn't water the plants!
Me: Oh. Give me a minute. I'll get to that.
Ma: You didn't make me a facebook account.
Me: Mom! this plant has a new bud and 2 new leaves!
Ma: Great! I'll take the flower in the flight to Kolkata.
Me: (grin) For dad?
Ma: (blush) For the goddess!
Me: (victory dance in my head and innocent smile on my face.)

DAY6
Ma: Every time I talk about my facebook profile, you make a scared face!
Me: I don't!! Ma, this window is so dirty! Can you fetch me the bottle of Easy off bang?
Ma: This bai is good for nothing. I won't give her diwali bonus.
Me: (victory dance in my head and innocent smile on my face.)

DAY7
Ma: My 4 friends are on facebook now.
Me: Mom, today is the tailor's delivery date nah?
Ma: No, its tomorrow. I want to see how many more of my friends are on facebook.
Me: Aree, i doubt you will find many people. But will you please make fish for dinner?
Ma: I made rotis and you don't eat fish with roti so, I'm making your favorite cauliflower... after I sign up for facebook.
Me: But I am hungry now!
Ma: Its 6pm. Eat biscuits and drink water while you make my facebook id.
Me: My laptop is out of charge.
Ma: Use the power-cord.
Me: The neighbor borrowed it.
Ma: Use my laptop.
Me: (with sad puppy face) My eyes hurt! I worked for 3 hours straight on a PC just now...
Ma: You chatted y'day for 4 hours. Splash some water and teach me facebook for 1 hour. NOW.
Me: Grr.. Why do you want it anyway?
Ma: To keep in touch with friends and find some old friends.
Me: ok. So, you sign up by giving a primary email id.
Ma: gmail? but that expired.. so we have to make a new id.. hmm.. lets think of some name...
Me: NO! Lets use ur existing yahoo one.
Ma: Why yahoo for everything?
Me: Because that takes less time. Now, let me type to show u the 1st time...
Ma: How will I learn if you do everything?
Me: How will I live if you type like a snail?
Ma: You will sit patiently and watch me do it. Like when I watched you draw the alphabets 18 years ago.
Me: (with a desire to tear my head off) OK. So type in your details here.
Ma: (after 10 minutes) done!
Me: Stop rejoicing, its only the start. 5 more forms to go.
Ma: Make tea while I read the policy of the website.
Me: No-one in the history of the universe has ever read them! Just click on agree.
Ma: (Looking at me as if I asked her to throw all her gold in the dustbin) What if I don't?
Me: Then you can't be on the site!
Ma: This is wrong!
Me: I clicked on agree and am standing 1 piece in front of you. 100 million people across the world clicked on agree and made facebook the biggest social networking site ever. NONE of them have gotten into trouble. So please, for the love of god, click on agree.
Ma: Fine. But you made me do it.
Me: OK!!

*frustration continues for another 1 hour*

Me: Now, all we need to do is get you some friends!
Ma: Search for xyz, abc, lmn and pqr!
Me: Done! Now all we have to do is wait for them to respond.
Ma: Wait! They all have 40-50 friends! I need more.
Me: Mom, you have to start small no. Eventually you will get there.
Ma: But everyone who knows me should know that I am on facebook now.
Me: Alright! you can add (some cousin)
Ma: Of course!
(I open my profile and go to the friend list)
Ma: (Pointing at the 'add friend' tab and a sly smile) click on that!
Me: (Mahabharat in my head and an innocent smile on my face.) Of course!

*frustration continues for another 1 hour*

Ma: After my friends add me, how does this change?
Me: You can see their walls, msg them, chat with them, share info with them..
Ma: But how?
Me: Ill login from my id, accept your request. Then you can login from your id and see for yourself.
Ma: Yes. Do that!
(Changes are made. Mom is successfully taught how to login.)
Ma: 300 photos!
Me: I've been here for about 3 years now! So that's not even 10 photos a month!
Ma: Hmm.. Your status message..
Me: What about that now?
Ma: I don't get it.
Me: Its just something random. No-one gets it.
Ma: Still, 12 people liked it.
Me: Aree, people go on liking everything on facebook. You let be.
Ma: (scrolling down) there is so much here..
Me: I told you, its complicated..

(and just when I thought it was done and I could start relaxing..)

Ma: You went on a mid-night road trip with some boys when you were in Pune last month?!?!?


and hence, my facebook account is currently deactivated. :-/

32 comments:

Siddhartha Joshi said...

Hahahaha...this was a loooong post but I enjoyed it nevertheless! My mom is not interested, but one of my friend's mom was extremely keen and made me teach (for the lack of better word) her FB! And she promptly uploaded that friend's numerous pics...now the friend hates me :)

Express said...

Siddhartha:
Yes the post is looooong! Because that is how much *extended* my torture was! And photos? I guess the worst is yet to come.. :o

But but.. a friend's mother! Haila! You have some patience! My dad has been on fb since a year, but he never crossed paths with me. He has his own friend circle, they have their own fun. He never even talks about it.. so that never bothered me.

I'm still scandalized! I was the first friend on my mom's fb profile!! :o

Cяystal said...

Day 6 is the story of my life. :P
And Day 7 was epic hahaha. :D Extended torture, I BET! :D
and there wasn't any victory dance towards the end. Gr :(
And you know, there's a page that goes, "I do love you,mom. Its just that i cannot accept you on Facebook." Haha ;)
And just put aunty on ignore na baby. That's all I can say, because it is unfortunate I cannot write on thy wall. :@

Kunal said...

Once, I uploaded a couple of poems written by my dad on FB, and once it started getting Like and comments...he was so excited...that he wanted to be on FB too...Hahaha....so not my mom..but dad is on FB...and every time I upload a photo...and my mom and dad see it...they say...'tumhari health kharab ho gayi hai....apni latest photo daalo..' maine bola..ki ye latest photo hai..ek week pehle ki...ek week mein kya change hua hoga...'...haha..ab kaun samjhaye....

And your post..is just damn funny!!

Urv said...

I can understand Shatab. My dad has had an FB account before I did ;) and mom has one too now. The friend requests are still pending ;)

Express said...

Crystal:
I miss your status updates like hell re! im getting bored at home and my only entertainment has been snatched away from me.

the thing is, If I do add her, she might NEVER see my page.. but if i dont add her, more issue hoyega.

when i return on fb, i just have 2 watch my tongue OR create portable profiles for 2 different groups of people.


:)

Express said...

Kunal:
I guess the latest motivation for our parents to join these websites is to try and keep in touch with her.

My bro leaves for US, my mom joins Y! msgr and skype.
I leave for hyd, my mom learns to sms.

Dads have always been technologically advanced.. But moms ki 1st priority toh hum hi rahenge nah.


and funny? Thats the sad sad story of my life boy. Atleast it brightens my days when I look back :)

Express said...

Urvo:
I saw ur comment and my face had a BIG FAT SMILE!
No-one ever will be able 2 write comments as awesomely as you do. It is a benchmark that new blag buddies have 2 come up to :D

and aree yaar, if you staying away from home.. you can make endless bahanas.. I am AT home more than my mom is. And her dhamkies keep getting lamer by the day.

Baaki toh reply k liye upar waale comments padh lio, but tu blogger pe wapis aa jaa yaar. Tum logo k bagair, majja isnt coming!!

:(

Zeba said...

Wow. I read it all. And you went on a roadtrip to Pune? You YOU! Hehe. You should have put mama on limited profile. She won't know anyway. Or block her and tell her you didn't activate your account. Sigh. My parents are on Facebook too. And I added them. Mama was reluctant to accept my request. :-S

Urv said...

Haha.. Well I don't know about that but I am glad the comments make you smile :)

Hmm. That is true. I have not had to confront the issue as you have had to..

Blogger! Sigh! Yaar pata nai.. Aise nahi ki time nahi hota.. Just that baaki log ki activity bhi kam ho gayi hai.. jab mann karta hai FB pe hi ek aad note chaap dete hai.. arse baad to kisi blog pe comment kar raha hun :)

Express said...

Zeba:
Aree I went on a road trip to Lonavala. She knew that I was in Pune, but she didnt know what I was doing there ;) Because, i was doing fun stuff ;) ;)

and I cant come back on fb and block her. She has started adding my friends and they are adding her back!! Limited profile is the way to go.

and you, exchange places with me? please?


Urvo:
fb notes arent the same as blogposts re. I used to write drafts for myself but that was plain sad. I have always been dormant and abhi tak it isnt as glorious as it used to be 2 years ago.. but it feels good!!

think about it.
:) at least padh toh sakte hi ho. and yea, read mera 'all for glow' wala post. That is the one that it got stolen :D

Long live our awesome blogger-days! You guys will always be the best ever!!

Soumyadeep said...

I would never want my parents to be in FB...itwould give hard time...newaz wonderful conversation..

http://ideas-forum.blogspot.com

Spiderdama said...

Hehe:-)
I do not want to meet my kids on FB yet..
Thanks for your visit and nice comment.
Regards from Norway

Atrocious Scribblings said...

Thinking on our feet are we?

Just loved the ideas you came up with to distract your mum from joining facebook for that long but the part where she persisted was too good.

Had a good laugh, Thank you.

Express said...

Sowmyadeep:
you bet! The friends, my language, my posts.. everything that is cool abt me, is a 'problem' to them!

but but, thanks for the visit :)


Spiderama:
I LOVE your blogname!!
and hence, i visited it :)

I hope u make a separate circle from ur kids on fb :P thanks for the visit!
Cheers!

Express said...

Atrocious Scribblings:
Thanks pal! :)

There are a lot of related stories.. I'll try and get to them eventually :)

thanks for dropping by and reading the enormous post :P

DEE DEE said...

LMAO...OMG..i so loved this..

my grandmom..whneva im on facebook....sees a guys pic witha name faintly sounding "Iyerish" always says "is he single...does he like you...can we see him for shaadi"

even for that matter some side ad model guys too....

DEE DEE said...

How do I follow you? no follow button :(

Arnab Majumdar said...

And there's another reason why I'm not too fond of Facebook. It's got far too many eyes! :D hehe

Cheers,
Arnab Majumdar on SribbleFest.com

The Bitch said...

Thank god, my ma has still not caught up with the FB bug.. How ironically when many our age actually thinking of doing away with FB (Infact one of my friends did) our parents want to get on to it.. Btw Loved how ur dodging abilities..

Express said...

Dee:
LOL! I have some side-ad stories myself :P coming soon! wait-up :D

and I toh told my parents that I'm not getting married for another 6 years. Master's khatam hote hi sab log jhapatne lagte hai! x-(

and yea, thr is no 'follow' tab on my blog because I belong from the blog era where blogrolling was the way and 'following' was looked down upon :D

I still need to catchup :) If 1 more person asks me to put it up, I will..

Thanks for the visit gurl! :)

Express said...

Arnab:
Yea, but FB has become more like a lifestyle for me. I hear of a cool guy, I check his profile; I go for a trip, I share pics with my friends; I think of something cheeky, my status is changed.. thats how I function.

I wanted 2 change the level of addiction. Thats another reason for deactivating for a while. But I cant 'quit' fb. sad? I know!

But you are too good a writer yes :) Thanks for the visit. :)


Bitch:
:D
I have a few more mom stories on the blog, fun they are :P

and yea, ironic, and yet, disturbing! :D thanks for the read!

DEE DEE said...

will visit your wacky blogs as much as possible.....i love reading some like minds :P

Soumyadeep said...

ma'am u spelled my name wrong.....:) no issues....

well theres a generatn gap...so problms do exist...

http://ideas-forum.blogspot.com

Cяystal said...

Limited profile. Limited profile.
Get your bummie back on FB :(

Ed Pilolla said...

very amusing. it was worth it all with the deactivation in the end:) i just deactivated from twitter.

Anurag said...

lol...Yeah it can be a double edged sword..But depends what's your equation with your mom is...NOM..but you do not seem to share everything with your mother which is well something which you would want to do..so it's upto you...My mum's on fb and I am well kool abt it..coz she's kool :)

Anindita said...

Hahahaha!!!!!! ROFL. So typical! :P

Alok said...

Interesting to see you go off. The "open and public" nature of facebook (read lack of privacy) has always irritated me. It's as if I'm on a stage and everyone is watching me. Every time I update my status or comment on something, I feel like I'm announcing something loudly on that stage.

Switching to Google+ has solved the problem for me. At the same time Facebook is also addressing these issues (they've added "smart lists" copying Circles from Google+).

I don't have the same problems, though. I've a healthy relationship with my parents, and my Dad is a huge techno buff. He's been following my Blog and my facebook ever since I've opened them, and my Mom is just not interested in the online world.

What I'm worried about is the "friends" I've added on facebook. Not only can they access my content, THEIR friends can also view some of my private information. That just feels bad. Also, people are so fake on that site!

But I don't see myself going off facebook for a while... atleast not until the people I care about move to G+. I tried being away from facebook for a month this year. While it was a refreshing experience, I missed keeping up with some people.

Appreciate the deactivation.

Spaceman Spiff said...

:D Haha!!
Moms really are the cutest, right? I had tried teaching my mom basic typing a few times. She lost interest way before I lost patience.:P

Spaceman Spiff said...

And here, one more person is asking you to add the 'Follow' widget. Quick quick. Hop to it! :P

Confused Soul said...

hahahahaha man... Thankfully I've been doing the victory dance all along coz my Mom just DOESN'T want to use it! :D .. yayyieee yayieee :D ..

Gosh knowing u went on a road-trip..I can Imagine auntie's expression...heheh :P ..