Fury, fright and failure

I have always respected the city I belong to. Always loved every bit wholeheartedly.
Some say I ain't a Mumbaikar coz I reside at the other side of a bridge,
Some say I can't be one coz Marathi isn't my mother-tongue,
Some say that being born on this land plays a role in belonging here..

I've never cared about such trivial things and always been passionate about the awesomeness of An Awesome city.

But today, my heart cries.

I've already expressed whatever I felt like saying about the attacks on My city. Today, I just want us all to take a minute and analyze all that we are losing in this never-ending war for peace. I am saddened by the fact that innocent college/office-goers pay the price for loop-holes in the administration.

Dear Terrorists,
I admire your ways of planning and execution. Next time, please bomb the good-for-nothing politicians. You shall make your point with a greater impact and the ones at fault shall be penalized.

Sincerely,
An average Mumbaikar.

A piece of my own!

Sharing.
A perfectly beautiful word.
Every relationship has this word in the very definition.

In difficult times, it gives courage to power through it. In times of happiness, it multiplies the fun. And well literally speaking, It reduces the load, makes it manageable.

But there are some things in life that one cannot share away with everyone they know!
For instance,

Confusion.
Yea! The more people we discuss it with, the more confusing it gets! And then the soup leads to us making the wrong decision. End result: the situation gets even more confusing than it originally was!

Secrets.
Obviously. If you blabber it all away, it isn't a secret to start with.

Your ace card.
No, I am not a vixen. But who doesn't enjoy some mild mind games? :P Well, in a tight spot, discussion helps, but either never disclose your brilliantly thought-out next move or, discuss it with someone who doesn't exactly know what you are upto ;) :P

Your bedroom stories.
Seriously. I for one don't need to know how many times you did it :-/

Irrelevant things that happened gazillion years ago.
Need I say anything else?

and Most importantly,
The teeniest tiniest detail about your relationship!
I have always believed that every relationship is different and things that work in some relationships don't need to work for other ones. Every couple has to form their own rhythm and develop their own symphony that requires a lot of effort.

And despite knowing everything, one (read I) know(s) nothing.

Problematic, Beautiful, fucked up, out-of-a-fairy-tale, absolute-delight! Whatever your relationship is, that's your doing. Deal with it.

And let me deal with some real problems.

The gush of hope

I'm glad it rained last night..
The earth's heat needed cooling off
coz summer was being unbearable,
not like winter's mild cold and cough.

I'm glad it rained last night..
washing off all despair with it.
The clouds cried as they rejoiced,
called friends and foes up for a meet!

I'm glad it rained last night..
It brightened up the morning of today.
With smiling faces and happy souls
finding both their will and their way.

I'm glad it rained last night..
for otherwise, I wouldn't have met him.
Two strangers, a cup of tea,
and chats with the light, oh-so dim ;)

Life is too simple if you don't complicate it!

Academics, love-life, hygiene, image, popularity, impression on elders, rapport with teachers, statement of purpose, short-term goals of life, Long term goals of life, keeping parents content, denying distant relatives a reason to pick on you, phone bills, random friend's birthday present contribution share, boyfriend/girlfriend trouble, heart-aches, deadlines, interviews, books to read, things to do, movies to watch, etc etc.. There are so much stuff that an average young adult is responsible for.

Every single time when I think that I have gained expertise in one aspect, other ones start falling apart. Managing ones’ life effectively is more difficult than probably managing a multi-national company! Just that a lot is on stake in case of the so called 'managers', but all of us do manage by, don't we?

Thinking about how one can change their life into something better is probably the world's favorite way of passing time. What we fail to realize is that, at some point of time, we have to loosen the strain on improvement and care about making the best of what we have. Cribbing about life doesn't make it better, it only creates negativity which is very difficult to get rid of.

There has to be a simpler way of living. More richer, more fulfilling..

Appreciate; yourself, others, their efforts.. Understand; what the universe is trying to tell you.. Realize; that it's never too late to make a fresh start. Try; to like the choices available to you.. and choose, the one choice that makes me most happy.

Easy to talk and difficult to walk?

I am going to try. There is everything to gain.

Stuck at the cross-roads of life

I am at a state when I just want life to stop questioning me how I want it to change. A decision that would determine where I shall belong, what I shall become.. Everytime I come up with an answer to this crucial question; people ask me, "really?" And well, everything I planned and re-planned goes down the drain. When even I am not completely convinced, how the hell should I convince them?

People usually think about this when they are 15 years old. They realise what they want to become and then they try and chase it.. A pilot, a teacher, a chef, a doctor, a model, an actress or even a photographer! Passion develops, chase begins, chase ends, life begins. If they get what they really want, they settle for it. If they don't get it, well, they settle for the next best thing. During the tryst of career-chase, atleast people find out what they don't want to do. And then, they can carve their paths from there.

With me, it was nothing like that.

I knew science was my "thing". And now after completing my bachelor's and (almost) my master's degree, I am not sure. It is plain ridiculous. My classmates are busy applying for PhD or job or fellowship or interview or matrimonial!; and I don't have any motivation towards any of these because none of these are things that I am looking forward to.

Then what am I looking forward to? Well, honestly, I do not know.

I studied till now according to how fate wanted things to turn. Bachelor's in biochemistry was not a concious decision, but I enjoyed it. Then, I did master's in the same subject from a very good university because the tiny research aspirant in me deserved a genuine chance. But here in Unversity of Hyderabad, the last 2 years have just gone by in the rat race to score a face-saving CGPA. And now the research aspirant in me is afraid that she is not good enough. Call me crazy, but I hate coursework, even if I don't suck at it, i still hate it.

What is wrong with me? Honestly, I have tried a lot to figure that out. But, I have failed miserably. You are welcome to try though..

I think I am way too immature to make a huge decision of moving to another country. Plus, I neither have solid research experience, nor killing motivation to make it happen for me. This confusion started with average GRE marks and now I dont know how to set everything right.

To add to my confusion, my area of interest changes everyday; No kidding. I have read loads of books, tons of research papaers, and still am as lost as ever. I really like the way my life is right now and do not want anything to change. I am trying with all my might to postpone the decision, at least till the time when I have the courage to deal with it, till I find the answer to my primary question.

I am going to make a sound decision. And this time, fate shall not triumph.
For the last time, I need more time to look into my crooked brain.
I need time to set my ambitions straight.
I need time to dream and achieve things that I deserve.
I need time to know, what do I want to become...

I wish that next year brings me a little more focus and insight. Any other gifts that want to tag along are most welcome :P Happy holidays everyone! :)