Critical Connection

I travel a lot. No, I don't go to 'explore new places' or 'meet new people', I just travel between two cities 790 kms away from each other. You see, one of them is where my heart belongs (Mumbai) and well, the other is where I am trapped since last 2 years (Hyderabad). 17 hours far away by train. And I would just reiterate that, My love for railways has nothing to do with my name!

I run home-wards, almost every chance I get. It is not a VERY long journey, so if I plan it well, I can manage to meet the most important people to me, every couple months. But that is not what this post is about.

Because of the frequency of my travel and my insistence to experiment with different kinds of people, I choose to usually travel by the 2nd class sleeper coaches. And invariable of the route, or the time, or the season, or my seat number, I end up sitting at the compartment that has one of these,

yes, The emergency window!!

Sometimes I feel as if these things follow me whenever I travel. I have had them in ac coaches, in chair-cars, at seat number 1, at air planes.. sometimes even at private buses. Its almost like god is asking me to take a safe exit from my current plans in life and take up safer assignments.

Another thing that I have noticed is that, these windows manage to not catch up with me when I am traveling with my mother. Does this mean that she is my safety cover?

Have I totally gone crazy?

This love-hate thing..

When they like you, you don't like them;
when they don't, you lurrvveee them.
When you talk to them, you are on cloud nine,
when you don't, probably they are on cloud seventeen :D

And then all this while,
there is this person
who stares at you while you work in the library,
dreams of you, day and night,
tries a lot to talk to you,
smiles a lot while talking to you.


And you keep hoping to talk to the person who doesn't care what you want to talk about, making several blows to the feelings of the one who does care.

This funny thing about liking someone, you sometimes forget that you need to be liked back.


You settle for whatever comes along. You want to eat a fruit, who cares if it is lemon or strawberry? Humour yourself that all is going to end well; but knowing very well deep down that this ain't going nowhere. Hurting someone elses feelings because this one particular person isn't paying enought attention to you.

This funny thing about loving someone and they not loving you back, someone ends up getting hurt for no fault.


Then, there are your friends. They sympathise with your situation, but 'HAVE GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING NOW!' They, their respective relationships and their funny tales. You have to go like, 'You 've gotta be kidding me!!' or 'Awww, I'm so happy for you :)'; when deep down telling yourself, 'Get out of this room before you explode!'

This funny thing about wanting to be friends with only those people who have identical relationship status as you.


Just when the sea in your heart calmed down, why does the tornado strike?
When you were busy playing neutral, why do all the positives and negatives in you start attracting and repulsing with each other?
This sudden rush of feelings for this one person, all goes well and then suddenly,
*Boom*

The bubble bursts!


WHY?

The urgent call for MOTIVATION

So I’ve always been a smart-ass; or at-least I’ve always been told that I was one. The problem was reciprocating that “smartness” in mark sheets. And I now know what the actual issue with me is.

I am too lazy to write the answers down in the answer book!

We have a lot of 4-6 mark questions and which ever I choose to attempt, I start well into that [1-1 n ½ page essay type] and then get bored halfway. I am all in the mode, I can go with the flow, but no; I want to write my favorite answers first, Even if they belong to different sections!

So I leave that page, promise myself that “this shall be taken care of in the half hour” and move onto the next answer and do the same thing to that! Finally I am left with too many half answers [almost half the paper] for the bloody last half hour, getting into the frame of mind for the new question takes time, hello; AND I am already too bored to write! So what? Scribble some points and leave it that way, draw some rough diagrams, at-least I will get 2 on 4 attitude sets in and soooo many 2s on 4s n 6s leaves me with actually not too many marks…

I presume too many things;

*~*The teacher knows that I know.

*~*The diagram carries max weight-age. So draw color-full diagrams taking whole 10 minutes allotted for that question.

*~*4 points will get me 2 marks.

*~*Difference between, examples not necessary,

*~*Who ‘reads’ our answers?

*~*Why sit for the whole THREE hours?

*~*No-one must’ve studied enough.

*~*Whole knowledge is important, marks are just some numbers.

*~*Attempted 70 on 100 is okayish

Arrgghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After 3 years of slogging and punching myself after each exams, I have come to one consensus.

Graduation study is not about the knowledge. It is about remembering the mountainous portion, studying it and writing the whole shit down in that much time!

I don’t mess up the exams involving objective questions! My gut feel helps me there because *one of the given answers is the RIGHT answer*.

Subjective ones Kill me.

I don’t do enough justification to myself.

And the most important subjective sets of exams for the entire career in science are in 1 month’s time, April 2^nd week.

Dates got out a few days ago and they’ve hit me hard because I am done studying like the 15% of the portion, mark you, only my favorite chapters!

All these years it was okay. Doing 3 chapters among 10 was fine. But in the university level they set kinda tough question papers; so we need to be through with at-least the portion and out of portion questions can be left in option. But with me the case is poles apart. I read books and don’t pay attention to teacher’s notes, complete knowledge is important you see; so I usually have a rough idea about the out of portion stuff and go to write that and by which usually mess up major.

I know that I should study, but I some-how don’t.

When there are so many better things to do, who will? Amazing friends on the phone; gmail chat, iPod, camera, paints, cell phone games, facebook applications and the likes; Plus, I am bored, tired, bored, hungry, bored, sleepy; most of the day!

BUT

THIS IS NO EXCUSE.

Only I can save/prove myself.

So people, pump in the impetus, get me going towards the final exams. Study tips, wishes, black-mailing [even abusing], tried and tested formulae; Come up with anything that can help me in the long run. Make me realize of my wrong-doings now than sympathizing with my grief later.

P.S. Engineers! And as I see too many of them on my blog-roll; last minute study tips please; 4 weeks 42 chapters; not humanly impossible I know, but I should keep sitting on that study table of mine. Needless-to-say, I should get back right now!

Disappointment

I don’t usually deal with much document work. But today I had to collect my passport from the post-office. Postman uncle had come home twice and on both occasions left notes. No-one is home from 9-4, thus the non-availability. But, it was high time I went and collected my govt. authorized document that would enable me to fly overseas.

So, I left home at 9 and then began my hunt of the post-office. Weird how we college-goers ignore places of general importance. Anyway, I asked shopkeepers and random people on the road and everyone seemed pretty amused at the fact that a localite was lost :P Nevertheless, found it in one corner of the CIDCO office and walked in.

I spoke to the post-master, he called the man responsible for my area and then after some random formalities there it was the document for which I had waited for about a year, my belonging, my very own, passport! But something stood in middle of me and it,
Chai-paani.

My parents had warned me about this. And they had actually said that if there are any signals from the man; give up some-money; “because we don’t wanna lose out on important letters.”
“But why bribe? We are doing it all legally and have made all the payments!”
“They shouldn’t ask you because you are a student, but, you never know”
“What if I refuse to pay? He will still have to give my passport.”
“Don’t be stupid. Do as I say”
“But I don’t want to give money; that is his duty!”
“I know and I agree with what you are trying to say beta, but its our documents or other notifications that are on stake. Apart, it is hardly some money.”
“But is it about the amount?”
“Do you always have to argue?”
*grumpy face*
“See girl, this has happened to us before. Because we refused to give them diwali [reward money on a hindu festival] at our old house, they didn’t deliver something and because of that, some delay led to us paying a very heavy amount as fine. So, listen to me, give him this” said daddy slipping a note in my hands.

I stayed mum then. All those arguments came rushing back to me now. And as I stood across that table, I was reminded of my dad’s words. Postman's guilty eyes were penetrating me and my conscious just didn’t want to encourage something I have spoken so strongly against at various occasions.

There was a huge line behind me, of people wanting to talk to the post-master. Commotion was building up; everyone was looking at me and the postman. All I could think about was the gateway peace rally and how we had talked about being good citizens. It was cold and my palms were sweating.

I lost. I chose to be a good daughter.
Papa, are you happy now?

Being curious

If white symbolizes peace,
Why does it make me feel hollow inside?

If looks don’t matter,
Why do cosmetics sell?

If blondies are supposed to be dumb,
Why do we [dark skinned Indians] colour our hair blonde?

If they are not hygienic,
Why are beauty parlors so popular?

If friends are the support system,
Why do they betray?

If they don’t want to get hurt,
Why do people put-up sensitive content on public forum?

If we value our privacy,
Why is orkut more popular than Facebook?

If fuck [as a word] is part of ‘normal’ vocabulary,
Why do people mask it with asterisk?

If they want to keep the content clean,
Why use such words at-all?

If every-one has it,
Why is sex so hyped?

If green is the colour of envy,
Why do I wear it so often?

If I know he doesn’t care,
Why do I wait for his call?

If I don’t like her,
Why do I need to pretend?

If I can,
Why don’t I?

If it is now or never,
Why is not sinking in?

Ah! Such is life…

P.S. Nothing said here is meant for any person or organization. Suit yourself, I shall continue to do the same.

P.P.S. I don't need replies, I have them. I need views on the write up :-)

Happiness or contentment?

A thought passed by my neurons sometime ago and it left me bemused.
So now a new opinion is made, [subject to change, conditions apply :-P]

Happiness is the most over-rated among the emotions.
No-one likes not having happiness. So, it comes and goes as it pleases and we wait longing for more of it to come by.

And then they say, happiness should be coupled with sadness in our lives; thats how we will know the "value" of being happy. But can we manage that? Give happiness the importance and it will be around rarer. When we are happy, we forget about the harsh realities around and choose to rejoice. Why do people do drugs? to get the high and feel at ease. Is that happiness? How do we define happiness? does happiness in certain things dominate other things?

I tag happiness of being over-rated because people choose to ignore that, it misleads us, too much happiness does. Happiness is not humour. If that was so, stand-up comedians would be the happiest people in the world. For me contentment is more important a virtue. Or when people say that they are happy, they actually mean that they are contented?

We always knew that "man is the most selfish amongst all beings", is this the reason why happiness is prefered above contentment? Or is the latter a very whole-concept and people prefer to look at things selectively, be happy about some of the things happening to them and forget about the rest of it, atleast momentarily.


I say I am happy....

*~* when I am full. Either with respect to food, or emotions, or relationships, or discussions, etc.

*~* when things are going my way, just the way I wanted them to be.

*~* when my questions are answered; [might be the same as 1 & 2, but is important to me.]


In other words, I am happy when there is contentment. So for me happiness is synonymous to contentment, and contentment comes by expecting less. They say, "when you smile, we know you are happy." I don't need a reason to smile. Call me a maniac, but if something is either funny, or cute, or reminds me of something, or makes me feel good, I smile :-) Not because I am happy, but because I considering smiling to be a part of being alive.

I came across an article on contentment recently and the jist of that write-up was, to be contented with what we have and not be contented with what we are. It made sense. Things we own, keep changing; they don't mean much. They bring joy for sometime and then we move on. But if we grow, as people; we learn, as appreciators; there is a zest to be better; we shall live better. When this is lost, the zeal to live will be lost. I can relate to this concept. Maybe somewhere we have to know our limitations and aim for what is achievable. But isn't it us who determine this "boundary" for our capabilities?

Dreaming leads to Aiming leads to Working leads to Succeeding leads to Contentment leads to Happiness.


Or did I get the very meanings of the terms incorrectly?
How do you define happiness?

Not just another 18 year old..

No,
I don't believe that a person's behavior depends on his/her age.
I don't believe that "18" is the age when a person becomes mature.
I don't believe that when you know of someone's age to be as "18", you make speculations about their personality without even knowing teeny-tiny bit about the person.


Wise people have this absolutely familiar doctrine that says, "age brings wisdom." Do we agree with this?
On the contrary, the older I am growing, the more I am falling as an exception to this unsaid rule.

Well, age makes us more prepared to face the problems/situations. Why? coz we have comparatively lived more life and have more experience and blah blah..
But that does not mean, if the number of years survived is large, but quality life lived is tiny, you would be more wise at the end...
What is wisdom by the way??
*~*knowledge? we get that from books
*~*common sense? isn't it uncommon?
*~*opinion? But everyone have their own. So, how can a particular aged people be tagged of being wise?
*~*intelligence? No, there is no-way of measuring this virtue and I am dead sure it doesn't depend on age.
*~*how you react to a particular stimulus. No, that depends on your insticts and they don't depend on your age.
*~*understanding? Please, that does not depend on age. It more about how your brain works :-P
*~*perception? Maybe, kinda convincing, but that depends on portrayal too. Don't you think?

So the speculation is a failure, maybe I didn't get the correct meaning of the term "wisdom". Prolly thinking in the opposite sense might help.
wisdom x foolishness.
Depends on age? ha ha


Back to talking about me.
I had a pre-admission in kinder-garden and have grown up with people numerically older than me. But, have always been the good kid, counselor, giving advices etc. etc. to my peers.
Half my batch-mates [example jiggs] are already 20 [numerically], and most of the other half [example alisha] are on the verge of becoming 20 [numerically again!].
I am 18 [numerically], but at times am 8 [literally], but there are times when I behave like I am 28, maybe even 38 :-| But unlike most 18 year olds [freshly out of 12th grade], I guess I am lot more observant, verbal, analyzing, deducing, understanding, bothering, calm...and much less obsessive, angry, easy-going, thoughtless...
Does that make me any more wiser than them?
Do I actually care?

I hate it when people jump to conclusions about me depending on the number"18".
when people take me for granted coz I am just a kid [numerically].
when I place a worthy argument in front of people and they reject it, coz its not "from a wise enough person."
when people who know the kid in me, refuse to accept me as a contributing individual in serious emotional/financial/intellectual discussions.
I hate it when people care about the age....

Would like to mention Billie Burke's very relevant quote which says, "Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese." :-P

Thus,
According to me, what age reflects is, the number of years [amount of time] you have survived, ate, drunk, walked on planet earth. full-stop.
What age does not reflect is, personality, goodness, truthfulness, being genuine, bigheartedness..
And what age certainly does not reflect is, how we would react to a certain situation.


Would like to end with a thought,
Live your life, don't care about the age. And when you meet someone, care about the person, not their age [even if they are potential partners, ha ha, coz age no bar ;-)].

Expression.

I think communication is one of the key tools to understanding. Here I would like to mention that when I say communication, I mean talking, yes, but also communication of a product via package, in the form of typed notes, music, poetry etc.
Talking to yourself is essential as it enables us to understand ourselves and thus, eventually help us make others understand us!

Alok says, "I am what I think." I kind of agree with it. The belief that your personality depends on your thoughts and view-point is very correct. But this phrase is incomplete.
Your thoughts make you, true. But till you express them, your thoughts serve no purpose.

Einstein wouldn't have made the brilliant contributions to science if he didn't believe in his thoughts and work to eventually make all his findings. But also, he wouldn't have been what he is today if he wouldn't know the art to express his work and make others understand the same.

Expression.
This is what makes teaching a very difficult profession.
This is what makes more communicative doctors more popular.
This is what helps depressed people to come out of their trauma.
This is what enables us to understand any form of music.
This is what makes sure we fall in love.
This is what provides an outlet to all our thoughts.
This is what completes me.

Prolly this is why my blog-name is express. Another more practical reason is, "express" is the first reaction I get when I introduce myself to people :P

A better world....

Well, I know I am too young for worrying about the manner in which the world works. But, this is neither a general statement nor a thoughtless remark. I have been thinking of this, i.e. when we speak the same language, can express ourselves well, there are so many means of communication; then why? why is it so difficult to understand each other?

The basic problem according to me is,
"Everybody thinks they are the smartest"; simply the best. They have got the perfect way of dealing with problems and that their way is the best way. No-one wants to put their feet down, respect others opinions, and once in a while, mend their ways. If someone listens to you once, then you become the hero, the problem-solver, the person who knows the best. So, next time, even if that person doesn't need your "advice", you can go and influence them some-more, then you can officially flaunt around that you have the "experience". Nice, very nice i must say....

And not only for solving problems, for organizing anything, anywhere opinion is required, people think they are the boss. And if others put their feet down, they become the underdogs. Even worse, if they don't put their feet down, they become not-so-co-operative. I look at such situations and smile to myself. There is nothing wrong about this. Its a persons nature, to impose, to give-up, to stand and do nothing. But I think we need to consider others feelings/opinions and give-up sometimes. Take a mid-way; compromise; encourage others; give kind words, not advice; help the whole group; be the team binder, not the leader...

This might help the world be more friendly, more approachable, more appreciative...
Togetherness, Brotherhood, Co-operation, Sharing will lead to Success, Sportsmanship, Love, Peace and harmony, and thus, happiness...All it takes is some effort from all of us.

For me, the better world has less inter-communal tensions and less hatred among people. If this is the way to archive it, then be it.....

Reality TV and kids

Can we please put a stop to "talent" shows for kids. Put an end to all talent shows, yes, but as of now, no kids shows puh-lease.

They are endless in number. Every popular channel and regional channel takes one show to its credit. Theoretically, there is nothing incorrect in looking for children who are talented. But the current format of talent hunt shows makes this exercise deeply reprehensible. Small children, hardly 5-6 years old, breaking down and weeping in the middle of the show, and the camera going into tight close-ups while mournful music plays in the background. Disgusting!

Moreover, the kids are made to live away from family, school, friends. In order to get them "trained"! Why don't people realize that the kid will undergo changes in the future as they grow up, that might not be suitable for an ideal playback singer. The kids don't understand half the things in the concept. They pull nice audience and get decent TRPs yes, but on the cost of what? their childhood? The children taught to beg for the votes that determine their shelf-life; They be told to work on their image, as a public figure, fan-following; Playing with their innocent emotions by teaching them the dirty tricks of the world; Pulling them onto the stage n eliminate them one by one; Torturing them until they break-down. The kids undergoing through all the trauma, why? To live their parents unfulfilled dreams? Or get some big-shot channel producer all the ad money?

The makers of the show surely need some psychologists out there to explain to them the long-lasting images that may remain in the kids conscious. Why not keep all 10-15, make them sing/dance/act/paint/recite/talk in different rounds, and chose the best? [without public voting n other nonsense please]. But this wont get them to cover what TRPs demand. Emotional melodrama.

Edit the tried and tested formulas, make more shows. But this is the manipulation of the most unethical kind. And its something we can all do without.

The most difficult thing to do...

I was just wondering the other day...what is it that i face maximum difficulty while doing?

The first thing that came to my mind was losing wt!..yea..thats helluva difficult!! But on second thoughts there were so many things to be considered that this wasn't funny anymore.
I thought managing ones life was difficult. Keeping everyones goodwill in mind, making everyone see the point in any discussion and making them agree..well..that is quite some job! But then sticking to the right and being determined not to give up..is also equally difficult!

Loving someone with all your heart and giving up the world for the one u love is difficult...but then letting someone know that you love/like them is also difficult indeed! Not to lose temper when you see injustice is tough. Following your heart no-matter-what is difficult but putting up with everyones expectations and trying to fulfill them....arghh!!!

Maybe in case at all times u r positive, nothing is difficult! But how difficult is being positive????

Now to end this post is becoming difficult! I guess posting your comments shouldn't be all that difficult though..... :D