Friday, December 9, 2011

The Gym and its turbanators!

After writing the previous post, every time I entered the Gym, I noticed atleast one thing that I totally HAD to share with you guys! And also because the last post was so well received, here comes another gym story! :P

For a little background..
My gym has 4 trainers. Lets call them, M, S, R and V.

M is sweeeet! He is around all day and also is my trainer and hence, I have this extra special respect for him :)

S is the floor-manager. Everyone listens to him. He pushes people way too much and is slightly biased towards people who can pick up weights above 60 lbs at once :-/ Sometimes, he just unwraps a candy-bar, gulps the whole thing in 2 bites and then tells anyone who would listen, "Want it? Deserve it first!!!" :-/

R is the jallaaaad! He is devil in a track-suit! He came to overlook my exercises on my 2nd day at Gym and practically made me regret my decision to join in the first place!

V is a pig. He is a sleazy pig-man! I despise the way he looks at people and his smirk makes me want to pick up the heaviest dumb-bell and bang it right on his head! He is around only in the evenings and yes, I don't even walk the roads of my gym at that time.

Getting back to the entire point of the turbanator post.

I am a morning person. Evenings are for indulgence and not for workouts. But then, there was this one day when I went to Gym at 6pm; And, I saw him.
He was this absolutely gorgeous man with the perfect body, lifting weights by himself. His aura drained the presence of every other soul in the room, it felt like summer breeze. The features, the glow, the body language; everything about him just screamed “PERFECT”! Yes, he wore a black turban, but who cared about his religion when he had that super-awesome body! After 1 whole minute of mindlessly staring at him, I got back to reality and sprinted away with a big blush on my face :P

I couldn’t help but just notice that one man throughout my session. I don’t think I have ever had a more dumbfounded episode in my entire life. When he left, I felt like someone had just ripped off my heart and sent it along with him. But then V prove that he is the biggest pig on the face of the earth and I decided never to go back there in the evening.

Next day, when I walked in at my usual 10am slot, the atmosphere was different. The glee was in the very air and everyone seemed to be eagerly waiting for something to happen. I asked M for updates.
Me: Is something wrong?
M: No. Yesterday we had a new member join us. That's all.
Me: So? something happened yesterday?
M: (Big grin) He is a sardarji.

My heart skipped a beat! It was almost like God had planned this for us! Today I shall be reunited with the man of my dreams. The cycling equipment showed a much higher heart-rate than it normally would and I just couldn't help it. As I paddled away, all I could think about were conversation starters: His arms; No, the mark on his forehead; No, how does one become Sikh; No, dammmit!

And then he walked in the room.

My world started spinning and I was short for breath. This guy wasn't even close to that guy! Firstly, He was short. Even shorter than me.. and that is saying something! Then, he was wearing 10s of rings and 4-5 gold-chains. He probably weighed 100 kilos and sported a blue-white spotted turban. I stared at him open-mouthedly for 1 whole minute (just like I had looked at the other man), but this time, it was out of amusement. If that guy was sex on a stick; this guy was a small barrel, barrel with a colorful turban.

M heartily welcomed him with a hug. Turns out, R was sardarji's trainer and made his life miserable. This was what everyone derived enjoyment out of :-/

I finished my aerobics and moved towards the treadmill as the man changed into his gym-outfit in the men's room. I was obviously disappointed but chose to ignore the event and concentrate on my purpose. "Today I would run the fastest I ever have", I told myself before taking off. After a quick warm-up, R headed Sardarji towards the center for stretching exercises. Then, I couldn't believe what my ears heard. The man was practically screaming out sex-noises! I had to hit the *stop* button to prevent myself from falling off the tracks and everyone was heartily laughing their lungs out.

I couldn't stop myself from peeking in their direction and the scene was not very different from a sex position. They were on the floor with R on top and Sardarji screaming out, "Oh God, stop!!!" I was too shocked to react. I scanned the room to search for someone to take inspiration from, someone who was ignoring the incident; but even the trainers found it too amusing to overlook! After 2 whole minutes of entertainment, S asked everyone to get back to work with his candy-bar stunt. I restarted the treadmill and began walking. BB walked passed by me and whispered in my ear, "This is only the beginning."

After stretching, R assigned the treadmill right beside me to Sardarji [SD]. I could practically feel everyone's eyes on our corner. It made me super uncomfortable.
SD: R sir, My stamina has considerably increased!
R: In one day?
SD: Its not about number of days, its about the amount of effort I put in yesterday.
R: Anyway, walk while you talk!
SD: Also, my diet-chart is very strict.
R: You have a problem with that?
SD: Yes. I am not allowed to eat anything!!
R: What nonsense. You aren't allowed to eat just a few things.
SD: Don't tell me what I shouldn't eat. Tell me what I should eat!
R: You should eat everything apart from the things mentioned on your list. Avoid junk, rice and non-veg particularly.
SD: Give me examples.
R: You can eat leafy vegetables!
SD: Something nice..?
R: No, nothing 'nice'. No sweets, no fried and no spicy food.
SD: Then what should I eat everyday?
R: You should eat "lauki"! (bottle-gourd). It is healthy, it is cooling and good for weight-loss.
SD: Sir, how does one eat spice-less lauki everyday?
R: Well, you should have thought about this before gaining 40 kilos of extra weight!! Now shut-up and run!

At that point, It had just gotten too much for me to take! I hit the *stop* button.

R: (to me) You have 10 more minutes to go!
Me: I would rather run those in the courtyard.
R: Why?
Me: Nothing, fresh air.

So yea, my gym is way too action-packed!! It is the highlight of my day and now with Sardarji coming at my time, it is one of the things I actually look forward to :P

P.S. Turns out, BB is the new star of the Gym. He lost some 12 kilos in 2 months. He attributes his success to his "protein shake" and "Co-operation of the trainers".. BUT, you and I might just know the *real* reason behind it ;)

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Gym, the guys and the water-cooler..

Yes, I finally agreed that I don't like what I see in the mirror and resolved to change it. When I was new to it, I hated it. But well, you have to get used to some things in life and so did I. What I did not realize was that, going to the gym can be very dangerous. With all the eye-candy around, It is like walking on a highway's yellow line. A little toe here or there can get you killed :-/

You ask me how? I will tell you.
You can never make out a guy's age at the gym.

Doesn't sound horrifying enough? You wait till you hear the stories!

So I am 22, right? So ideally, guys I would consider would be 22-26, right? All this while in a college set-up, it was very easy to choose guys to chase; considering that your batch kinda gives away your age. But at a gym, no-one looks their age!

The guy who started talking to me first turned out to be 19! Children these days! They start gyming from school days and puff-up their bodies to look 10 years elder!
He asked me what I did and called me "Didi" to burn down all my emotions :(

There was this one exercise that I was doing wrong and this gym-member corrected me. So that led to a very interesting conversation about muscle tone and yes, interesting conversations are always a turn ON! But, my bad luck soon caught-up and he asked me, "Which standard are you in, Beta?"
At first I thought he wasn't talking to me. But then, to my horror, he pointed and repeated the question. I knew he was much elder than me and I guessed 30ish. What I didn't know was that he was a 42 year old 6-pack obsessed uncle.

Now you see why I said that about gym and men!?

Well, My initial days at the gym were spent lusting a tall-fair-chubby guy who always wore blue clothes. I'll call him Blue-boy (BB) :P. So, after 1 whole week of eye-contact and timid smiles, we have a dialogue. He was skipping in the courtyard and I was sent there for jogging-rounds.
BB: (stops hastily) You need the rope?
Me: What!?
BB: Rope, skipping rope! (with animated actions)
Me: Oh! I heard something totally bizarre!
BB: What did you hear?
Me: Dope. (sly smile :P)
BB: Haha! Wow. I can use some of that right now! God knows that losing weight the straight way is tough!
Me: Err.. I should get started on those rounds..
BB: Listen, I don't do drugs ha!
Me: Huh?
BB: I mentioned needing pot right? I don't do it.
Me: Good for you. (tightening my shoe-laces to take off)
BB: No, believe me. I'm very much against all vices. I have even stopped talking to my friends who began smoking.
Me: OK. (straight-face)
BB: I don't befriend smokers or dopers or alcoholics or arts students because they are usually smokers or dopers or alcoholics. You aren't a student of arts, right?
Me: No, but..
BB: I knew it! And you are not Marathi either! I'm not very fond of Marathi-people.
Me: Hmm. You know what? I need to be running now and you should jump. So I guess we can talk later..
BB: Aree no, Why you getting into formality?! I'm taking a break anyway. So, where was I? Yes, I don't like Marathis or Punjabis. I might look like a Punjabi, but I'm actually a Sindhi. You are not a Sindhi, are you?
Me: Nope. But I need to run now. So, bye!

Since that day, every time I see him, he comes to gym wearing a white tee which says "No Smoking". This has been on since so long that now, I can openly judge him to be someone worth avoiding forever.

So yea, there was sweaty-sweeterson, adidas-ganji-guy, smug-face, black-gloved knight, Garfield-butt, lifts-like-a-girl, stares-at-the-wrong-place, Tom-cruise-lookalike, brown-eyes-chin-dimple etc etc; but they don't come at my time, so who cares!

And now the mystery of the water-cooler! Tan-tana!!

So while one works out, one takes a water break. So, in 1 hour, I drink water about 3-4 times. The time-out at the cooler is a perfect opportunity for one to make conversation with others. So, being the observant person I am, I have noticed that during crowded hours, when a hot girl makes her way towards the cooler, guys choose to take time-outs and rush there :P

I noticed that this one person, [lets call him Creepy-eyes (CE)] started coming to the cooler when I was there. I found it so weird that I started carrying my own bottle to the gym :-/

Such stuff happens everywhere, It depends how you choose to react to them. I have decided that gym-guys are not for me. They are just good to look at; but when you interact with them, you wish the earth would tear apart and swallow them whole! Or they are taken and you wouldn't want them to think of you as a cling-on.

So, Gym is strictly for nirmal anand (mild entertainment) and for other stuff, we have the blogs ;) :P